


I'm With the Band

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Band Fic, F/M, Gen, even if it's just a fictional band, naming a band is hard, naming fics is hard too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 22:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14882124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: This is a continuation to Series 1 where the gang forms a band.





	1. The Elements Come Together

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first multi-chapter fic I wrote. It's strictly Series 1, so some of the details might not match up with information revealed in Series 2. (I originally published this over at fanfiction.net and felt weird about having it up on multiple sites, but now I feel weird that it's not here with all my other fics, so I'm finally adding it to the archive.)

* * *

“Yous lot are doin’ my head in!” Chop picked up his pint glass and strode away from the table. Izzy bounced out of her seat and followed him, trying to calm him down.

“Bloody hell,” Rae said, shaking her head.

Chloe tossed her hair and said, “Look, I’m not sure I can be in the band, either.”

Archie looked at her, incredulous. “Chloe, we’ve been plannin’ this for weeks! You’ve already got the bass. Can’t we at least have a proper practice before everyone quits?”

Chloe sighed and shrugged. “Okay, fine. I’ll come to practice, but it can’t be Monday or Tuesday, because I’ve got French Club and Rounders.”

Archie sighed and opened his school bag to grab a notebook and pen. “Fine! I guess I’ll have to get everyone’s schedules and make sure people aren’t missing their extracurriculars.”

Rae and Finn, who were sitting side by side as usual, both shook their heads. Finn wrote B-O-R-I-N-G on Rae’s thigh. She smirked and said to Archie, “No need to schedule ‘round Finn an’ me. We’re both dead beats with no after-school commitments.” Finn chuckled and stubbed out his cigarette. He leaned over to whisper, “What abou’ Kester?” in her ear. She quickly shook her head and whispered back, “He’s on Tuesdays, anyway.”

Archie smiled gratefully. “Okay, cool.” He made a grid of the month and started marking days of the weeks. “I think I can move my extra revisions to Tuesday, so that should work,” he muttered to himself.

Rae looked up to see Izzy dragging Chop back to the table. “Chop says he’s sorry for storming off.” She shot him a look. “Don’t you, Arnold?” Chops looked chagrined at her use of his real name and nodded. “Yeh, sorry.”

Archie glanced up from his calendar and said, “I’m sorry, too, Chop. I just didn’t think it was practical for the drummer to sing. I mean, alright, there’s Phil Collins, but he’s not quite …”

Chop waved his hand. “Point taken, mate. We’ve got enough singin’ talent wi'out me gurglin’ out tunes.” He takes a swig of lager. “But if we cover Champagne Supernova, all bets are off!”

Everyone laughed, remembering his turn at Rae’s mum’s reception.

Archie sat up straighter and cleared his throat. “Alright, then! I think I’ve worked out the line up, then. Chop, you’re on drums.” Chop thumped out a quick riff on the table. “Finn, you’re technically rhythm guitar, but you know some songs better than me, so we’ll switch up between lead and rhythm.” Finn lit another cigarette and nodded.

“Chloe, you’re on bass. Are you sure you’re okay with that? I mean, we can probably work around it and lose the second guitar on most songs.” Chloe had entertained fantasies about being the lead singer, but it turned out she couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Despite her threat, she really wanted to be in the band. But, in her inimitable way, she wanted to be constantly reassured that everyone else wanted her to be in the band, too. Not only did she have the bass, she’d been practicing most nights. She nodded quickly, and said, “I’m alrigh’, Archie.”

“Izzy …” Archie looked at his notes. “Um, tambourine? I don’t know how many songs we need a tambourine for.”

Izzy smiled and said, “Well, just put me as back-up percussion.”

Chop grinned cheekily and said, “Slash groupie!” Izzy smiled, but punched him in the shoulder for good measure. “Shut up, you!” she grinned.

Archie smiled and went back to his list. “So, that leaves me, on lead–” He looked at Finn. “–slash rhythm guitar, and Rae on–”

Rae took a deep breath. She didn’t know if she could do it.

“–lead vocals.” Archie looked up and smiled at her. Finn squeezed her leg under the table, and she glanced over to find him grinning ear to ear.

“Are you sure about this, Archie?” she heard herself asking. “I mean, you’re a great singer and you’ve sung in front of people before, and I might … freeze up. Or whatever.” She looked down. “I can be backing vocals!”

Finn lightly hit her thigh. “Oi, I’m backin’ vocals! Stop tryin’ to steal me job.”

“Yeah, Rae, you have a great voice!” protested Archie. “And it will give our band an edge. Everyone and their brother has a Nirvana cover band–four guys with stringy hair thrashin’ around on stage. There aren’t a lot of bands with a girl singin’ lead.”

The rest of the gang nodded in agreement, even Chloe. She thought about the irony of the situation. How she would have loved to have been center stage and center of attention, while Rae dreaded the prospect of having a roomful of strangers staring at her. She remembered well the conversation they’d had a couple of months ago, outside this pub, when Rae had put her in her place and told her that in fact she did know what it was like to have everybody stare at her, and that it was nothing like Chloe’s experiences.

Rae’s eyes were cast down at her lap. She said, “Well, let’s have a couple of practices first, and we can decide for sure later.” The gang decided to accept her offer, but everyone knew she was right for the band.

Archie flipped back a page to his rudimentary calendar. “Alright, then! First practice Wednesday? Chloe, can we use your garage?”

Chloe said, “I’ll have to check wi’ my mum an’ dad, but it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Great. We’ll plan on that unless we hear otherwise.” Archie grabbed his pen again, “Now, we should figure out which songs we want to practice.”

Finn hadn’t said much up to this point, but he has actually spent whole evenings in the last couple of weeks, listening to dozens of albums to figure out which songs he most wants to hear Rae sing.

* * *

A few weeks back, Finn and Archie had been chatting in the pub before anyone else showed up. They were looking at all the flyers for bands littering the walls of the pub, hastily hand-lettered with pictures cut out of a magazine photocopied on fluorescent A4, and said that if these knobheads could form a band and play gigs, ANYONE could.

Archie took a drink and said, “If I’m honest, I’ve always fancied bein’ in a band. Like, every time I go to a concert, part o’ me wishes I was the one on stage. Is that daft?”

Finn shook his head, “No, man! You’re always playin’ away at tha’ guitar on open mic night. You’re really good.”

“How’s your playin’ comin’ along? You’re pretty secretive abou’ it,” Archie said.

“Ah, well. I’ve got some songs I’m alrigh’ on. Why d'ya ask?”

“I just–why don’ we?”

“Wha’?”

“Start a band!” Archie looked at Finn earnestly. “I mean, like ya said, if these lot can do it …” He waved his finger at the wall of flyers.

“Hold on, now, Arch. There’s more to it than just sayin’ we’re a band. We both play guitar. We’d need other people.” Even as he said it, though, he thought of Rae, singing quietly to herself along to music in his room. He wondered …

Archie nodded, “Exac'ly. We’ll get everyone in the gang to do something. It could be like, a … gang band!”

Finn narrowed his eyes. “Tha’s not gonna be the name, is it?”

Archie waved his hand. “We’ll work on tha’ bit later. What do you think?”

Finn lit a cigarette while he pondered the prospect. It wasn’t like they were signing a record contract. They could chuck the whole idea if they weren’t any good (unlike half the acts advertising on the walls of the pub.) “Alrigh’, we’ll put it to 'em when they get here and see what everyone else reckons.”

Chop had taken no convincing. He was always ready for any daft plan anyone came up with. Izzy did pretty much anything Chop would. Chloe’s eyes had lit up, thinking about being under the stage lights as she fantasized about people looking at her because she was cool, not just because she was fit. Rae wasn’t sure. “I don’t play an instrument,” she said flatly. She wanted to be involved somehow. She laughed and said, “I can be your roadie!”

Chop and Archie laughed at her suggestion, but Finn’s face clouded over. “Nah, Rae, you should sing!” He hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, but her self-deprecation made him jump the gun.

“You wha’?” she asked, incredulous. “I only just started singin’ in the school choir. I don’t think I’m ready for …” she trailed off, not sure what she wasn’t ready for, but knowing she wasn’t.

“They’d hardly have let you in if you couldn’t sing, would they?” Finn protested. Archie, Chop and Izzy nodded in agreement. Chloe looked away, a little taken aback. She’d just assumed they would ask her to sing. Not that she’d done it in years, but she was, like, the fittest girl of the three of them. Even in her head, that sounded bitchy.

Rae shrugged. “I guess not, but–”

“No buts! We’re jus’ goin’ to practice some songs. Nothin’ big. If we’re crap, we’ll pack it in.” Finn spread his arms wide and smiled at Rae. “No pressure, babe!”

Rae smiled back, “I s'pose we could have a few practices.” She noticed Chloe quiet in the corner of the booth. “An’ Chloe can play bass!” Everyone looked surprised at this suggestion. Simultaneously, Chloe asked “I can?” and the gang wondered, “She can?”

“Well, you’re grade 4 on the cello, right? I read somethin’ in NME. Some bassist sayin’ it’s basically the same thing. You just pick it up and lose the bow.” Chloe raised her eyebrows. “We might have to call you Kim, though!”

Finn and Archie cracked up at this, while Chloe was in the dark on the reference. “Why?” she wondered.

“Kim Gordon and Kim Deal are, like,  the two most famous female bass guitarists ever,” Archie explained.

“Oh, yeah, right.” Chloe pretended she knew that, but had momentarily forgot.

Finn piped up with, “I think a mate of mine is looking to unload his bass. We could see what he wants fer it and maybe split it between us.” Archie and Chop nodded.

Chloe took a deep breath and said, “Yeah, bu’ …” The gang all looked at her expectantly. She tried to think how she’d say, “But I want to be the lead singer!” without sounding like a total knobhead wanker. She couldn’t, so she shook her head. “Never mind. I’m willin’ to give it a go.”

Chop, Archie, Finn, and Rae took it in turns to high five each other. When Finn swiveled around to high five Rae, and she tousled his hair instead. He grabbed her round the waist and nuzzled her neck. Chop put Izzy in a playful headlock and kissed her cheek. Archie noticed that Chloe was still a little quiet, and shoved his palm in her direction. She looked at it suspiciously before tentatively tapping her hand to his. “Tha’s what I’m talkin’ about!” he said.

Chop stood up and said, “We need a celebratory round at this table!” He started to saunter over to the bar, shouting, “BARMAN! A pitcher of your finest warm piss, if you please!”

* * *

It was a warm Saturday afternoon. School had just resumed, and everything felt somehow fresh. Rae and Finn had been officially official for only a couple of weeks, so lots of things were new.

The two of them were lounging on Finn’s double bed. The window was open and the breeze gently stirred the curtains and the warm light from the setting sun filled the room. Finn and Rae had just broken apart after a vigorous make out session. They stared up at the ceiling, panting slightly, lips raw and red. Rae licked her lips and smiled. Finn turned on his side to look at her, ran his fingers lightly up the inside of her arm, and she shivered.

Just then, the song changed on the Smith’s album they were listening to. It was “Well I Wonder” and Rae was so relaxed and happy she sang along like she would if she were alone in her room at home. She’d lived every word and note of this song, and Finn could hear it in her voice. Before he even realized it was there, a tear slipped out of the corner of his eye, and fell onto his pillow. He moved forward to kiss Rae gently on the cheek. A tear had trickled down her cheek, as well, and the salt slightly stung his chapped lips, making them tingle. She turned her head to look at him, and gave him a sweet, sad smile.

He was learning her moods, and he somehow sensed this song reminded her of a not-so-happy part of her past. “That was beautiful,” he whispered. “Just like you.” He reached out to twirl a strand of her long dark hair.

She blushed and covered her face with her hand. “Can’t believe I sang the whole song, sorry.”

“What’re ya sorry for? I jus’ said it was beautiful. You have a lovely voice, Rae.” He lifted her hand from her face to place it below her chest and then looked her in the eye. “I’m serious. You know me better than to think I’d lie t’ya abou’ anythin’ music-related.”

She chuckled and flashed him a devilish look. “Yeah, you’d lie about lots of other things, bu’ never that.”

He protested. “Wait! That’s not wha’ I mea–” She elbowed him in the rib and said, “I’m only jokin’!”

Finn smiled, but quickly sobered. “Maybe someday you’ll let someone other than me hear ya sing,” he said softly.

She cleared her throat and said, “Well, I joined the school choir.” She felt a little sheepish about the admission.

“When did this ‘appen? Were ya plannin’ on tellin’ me about it?” Finn swatted her shoulder playfully.

“Jus’ yesterday. I had two free periods and Mrs. Gardner suggested I give the choir a go.“

"That’s bloody fantastic,” Finn said, beaming. The wheels hadn’t yet begun to turn, but soon they would.


	2. A Pair of Firsts

Their first practice isn’t a complete disaster, but near enough. It took two cars to bring Chop’s entire drum kit, and that was with Izzy holding the snare on her lap. Unloading it and setting it up takes nearly half an hour, and then Chloe’s dad comes out to discuss plugging in the amp and microphones. “I don’t want anyone gettin’ ‘lectrocuted on my watch, he says, making sure that everything is grounded. 

Once they finally start, Chop’s drumming is a bit erratic. “Haven’t you been practicin’?” Archie says in an accusatory tone. “‘Course I have!” Chop shouts. “It’s no’ as easy as it looks!”

Chloe is not confident on the bass yet. That, combined with the fact that she isn’t used to playing with the other instruments, makes both Archie and Finn frustrated. “You’re late again on the bridge, Chloe!” Chloe looks up and says, “I’m doin’ my best, alrigh’?”

Rae is being a chicken, insisting she wants to make sure everyone else has their parts down before confuses everything with the lyrics, but Finn knows she’s stalling. “Rae, you picked the song, you should at leas’ sing it once tonight.” He smiles at her entreatingly. “Please, for me?”

She grimaces as she stands up and tentatively approaches the beat up microphone Archie bought from the charity shop. Why did she pick a song where the vocals started before the music? She takes a deep breath and looks back at Finn uncertainly. “Do I … how should we …?”

“This time, I’ll count ya in, and then we’ll take our cue from you. So, sing loud and proud into the mic so’s we can hear ya.” He grins and gives her a wink, leaning over to rub her shoulder reassuringly. “It’ll be alrigh’, I promise. And even if it isn’t, it’s just us.”

She nods, but her face is a petrified mask. She breathes deeply and adjusts the mic.

Archie advises, “Don’t be afraid to get really close to the mic, Rae.”

Chop chuckles and says, “Yeah, preten’ it’s Finn!”

Finn shoots him a dirty look and then turns to Rae. “Ready?” She nods again, and he counts, “One, two, three, four!”

“I’m only happy when it raaaaains,” Rae sings, and the band all come in, together, on the last word. “I’m only happy when it’s com-pli-ca-ted,” she continues, allowing herself a small smile.

Izzy can actually back up Chop’s percussion on this tune, and she has a delirious grin pasted on her face, looking between Chop and Rae. The band makes it halfway through the song before the bottom cymbal on the hi hat slips and clatters down the pole.

“Bollocks!” Chop shouts.

“Sorry!” Rae yelps, instinctively thinking she’s messed everything up somehow.

Finn shoots her a look and says, “Why’re you apologizin’? Chop’s the one who didn’t tighten his nuts properly!” Even Chop has to laugh at that, and the whole gang giggles.

Archie adjusts his glasses. “Right. While Chop sees to his nuts, why don’t we discuss how that went.” He looks at Rae. “How was that for you, Rae?”

“Um, pretty good? I mean, good. I’ve never done this before. How did I sound?”

“You sounded great!” Finn and Archie chime in unison. Izzy agrees, “Seriously, Rae, you sounded even better than that Shirley Manning!”

Chop finishes fixing his kit and looks up to say, “It’s Manson, you div!”

“Well, you sound better than whatever her name is!”

Rae smiles gratefully at her. “Thanks, Izzy. Thanks, guys.”

Chloe is fiddling with the tuning on her bass. Rae hasn’t asked her what she thinks, and Chloe is a little too proud to heap more praises on her. But then, Rae glances back at her and says, with a bit of an edge in her voice, “Chloe? How was it for you?”

Chloe quickly nods her head and says, “Great!” Because, sod it, Rae is great. And it’s stupid to be thinking about their first gig when this was only their first practice, but Chloe wonders what the crowd would think of Rae, standing center stage in her Converse trainers and leather jacket. If she, as Rae’s best mate could think of insults, she wonders what strangers in an audience would say. She feels like a shit friend for thinking it, but tries to convince herself that she’s just being realistic.

Unfortunately, Chloe’s face belies her inner struggle. Rae glares at her. Chloe made a couple off-handed remarks at the planning sessions about what the “band look” might be. The lads scoffed at her; they were just going to wear what they always did. Rae knew the comments were directed at her; she’d seen Chloe’s face when they picked Rae to sing. Perversely, every time Chloe alludes to it or gives her a worried look, Rae feels more determined to sing in front of a crowd.

Rae narrows her eyes, but smiles. “Thanks! You’re not playing too bad, yourself.” Chop gives everyone a thumbs up to signal his kit is fixed, and she turns back to the mic, counting herself in this time. “One, two, three, four!”

Finn and Archie look at each other, eyebrows raised in surprise. They aren’t sure what prompted this outburst of confidence, but they aren’t going to question it.

Finn can’t take his eyes off Rae as she sings. She’s much less timid this time, and is getting into the song. When she croons, “Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me,” she leans her head back and her chest juts forward. Finn’s heart and loins lurch in tandem, and he adjusts his guitar position to hide his erection. He tries to concentrate on his strings, and somehow manages to play his part without losing the beat.

Rae looks over at him during Archie’s guitar solo and gives him an open smile, mouthing, “How’m I doing?” He smiles and nods, mouthing back, “Great!”

They play through the song a few more times, and decide to call it an evening. Chop asks Chloe if they can keep practices at hers, so he doesn’t have to hump his kit back and forth. She nods and says, “I think my dad’s quite jealous of us, actually. He always wanted to be in a band when he was younger.”

Archie passes everyone a can of beer. “Let’s at least have one drink to celebrate survivin’ our first rehearsal!” Everyone thuds their cans together and drinks to the band.

* * *

Finn walks Rae home, his guitar case slung over his shoulder. They hold hands and keep a slow pace. He looks over at her; she’s humming the tune to herself happily.

“That was fun,” she says suddenly. “Like, I was nervous at first, bu’ once we got goin’, it was great!”

Finn squeezes her hand tighter. “You were brilliant.” Rae looks over at him, and sees his solemn expression. He stops and turns to her, looking her in the eye. “I’m serious.”

She smiles. “I can tell! Your face looks like someone just drowned your favorite puppy.”

He looks down at the ground and lets go of her hand. She is joking again, which he doesn’t usually mind. “I jus’ want you to believe you’re a great singer,” he sighs. “Jus’ because I love you doesn’t mean I’d exaggerate abou’ it.”

Rae’s head snaps up to look at Finn. “Jus’ because you what?” she asks, hoping he’ll repeat it.

He allows a tiny corner of his mouth to curl up. “Ya heard me.”

“Yeah, but it was the first time you said it, instead of writin’ it.” She grabs his hand back and pulls him closer. They embrace, and she places a gentle kiss on his cheek. He turns his head, and their lips meet with intensity. After a minute or so, they break apart. Rae looks around instinctively, and Finn gently grips her chin to look her in the eyes. “I mean it, and I don’t give a flyin’ fuck if anyone sees us, Rae.”

She nods in understanding and they continue their walk. The sky almost imperceptibly melds from sunset to dusk as they walk, and the street lamps began to wink on. They are only a couple of streets from her house. Rae glances at Finn. “What time you s’posed to be home?” she asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

“I didn’t say, since I weren’t sure how long we’d be.” He looks at her. “Why d’ya ask?”

She shrugs. “No reason … jus’ my mum is back on nights and Karim started this English course at night school, so …”

Finn’s face breaks out in a grin. “Are you kiddin’? You jus’ now thought to tell me this?” Hands still linked, he begins to sprint and yanks Rae’s arm nearly out of the socket. She jogs behind him trying to keep up. “Oi! Slow down!”

They find themselves at her house in record time, and stand panting on the doorstep as Rae fumbles for her key. She opens the door cautiously when she locates it, and says, “Hello?” loudly as they walk inside.

No one answers. She can smell something cooking, and goes to the kitchen to investigate. There’s a note from her mum by the oven. “Rae, I’ve left the rest of the shepherd’s pie on a low light. Karim’s class is over at ten. See you tomorrow. x o, Mum ” Rae shows Finn the note and he smiles. It was not quite eight, so they have some time.

She returns the note to the counter and looks around nervously. “So, um, are you hungry?” Finn pounces forward, playfully pinning her against the sink. “Not ‘specially, no,” he murmurs into her neck. He kisses her and feigns a yawn, “I am a little tired, though. Like, I could really use a lie down.” He grins at her and holds out his hand to lead her to her bedroom.

Once upstairs, he shuts the door while Rae takes off her jacket and drapes it on her desk. He notices once again the door’s lock has been removed. Rae told him why, and it nearly killed him to think of her doing what she did to herself. But, he knows she wouldn’t want him to dwell, and he is a teenaged boy. Baser urges shove those unpleasant thoughts to the back of his mind.

Finn stretches himself out on her bed and beckons for Rae to join him. She feels self-conscious again and takes her time crossing the room, turning on the light as she lays down. When she finally settles in, Finn turns his head to look at her. She’s looking down and the pillow is in his way. He puts his hand up to flatten it down, and remembers doing the same thing the first time they had been in this bed together, just six weeks ago.

He says her name softly. She turns to look at him. “Yeah?” she whispers back.

“We–we haven’t …” he falters, because he doesn’t want her thinking he’s upset about not having had sex yet. They’ve done plenty of making out and touching and he truly doesn’t want to rush her. But if she’s hesitating because she thinks he doesn’t really fancy her, well … he has to set the record straight.

“I know. I’m sorry.” She casts her glance away again.

“Don’t be sorry,” he pleads. “I just … sometimes you get me so hot, it’s hard to stop.”

She raises her eyebrows at him. “Me?”

“Yeah, Rae. Funny how my girlfriend turns me on.” He furrows his brow. “I wish you’d believe me when I say how horny you make me.” He doesn’t want to get into a fight. “Like, at practice tonight, when you were singing and moving around the mic … “ he trails off.

“What?” Rae whispers.

“You just looked so free and happy … and sexy. If the others hadn’t been there …” he trails off.

Rae looks at Finn for a long minute, like she’s deciding something. She leans over and kisses him. Insistent at first, like she’s trying to tell him how much he means to her with the force of her lips. Then she relaxes a bit and slides her tongue into his mouth. Their tongues thread around each other deftly. She draws his tongue into her mouth slowly. Finn shifts on the bed, and she can feel how excited he is. She leans her head back and looks into his dark eyes, which are hard to see in her own shadow. Finn’s breathing is shallow, even more so than Rae’s, and as her eyes adjust, she can see his eyes are his pupils are nearly fully dilated.

She reaches behind to turn off her bedside light. Finn stays her arm, “No, leave it on, Rae.” She winces involuntarily, and Finn gently places her arm back around his waist before embracing her. They just hold each other for a few moments. Then, Finn says into her hair, “Do you still want to? Are you ready?”

His warm breath caresses her neck and sends shock waves through her system. Her body isn’t going to let her mind fuck this up. She nods quickly and holds him closer for a second.

She thinks about getting up to put on some music, but realizes they might not hear Karim come in. She takes a deep breath, which of course smells like CK One and adds to the sensory overload she’s experiencing, and lets go to look Finn in the eye. “I really am,” she says, calmly as she can.

Finn’s smile is the widest she’s seen. He hugs her close and starts kissing along her jawline, making his way back to her mouth. They kiss furiously as their hands start roaming over each other’s clothes. Finn slips his hands under the hem of Rae’s shirt, across the small of her back, and pulls her closer to him, marveling at how soft and smooth she feels. She shudders and lifts his shirt, sliding her hands up the sides of his stomach and around to his upper back. They curl around both shoulders, and she grips him tightly, pressing her chest into his.

He moans into her mouth, and his hands dart to the middle of her back, to unhook her bra. After a few seconds of trial and error, they wordlessly decide to take this part in turns. Sitting up, Rae peels Finn’s shirt over his head. She allows one finger to slowly trace a line from his sternum to his belt buckle. It’s his turn to shudder. He removes the double layer of shirts she’s wearing swiftly and motions for her to turn around. She does, and he nuzzles her neck for a moment before turning his attention to her bra. Now that he can see what he’s doing, it’s unhooked in two seconds. Instead of turning her back to face him, he slides his hands slowly along her sides and curls his fingers inside the underside of her bra, until he is grasping each breast in his hand. He squeezes them gently, and uses his tongue to trace the shape of a heart on her shoulder.

She gasps and arches her back, which causes the straps of her bra to fall off her shoulders. She reaches up and flings it into the corner of the room before swiveling around to face Finn again. They both move to their knees on the bed, pressing their torsos together in an embrace. Rae kisses along the width Finn’s collarbone before making her way back up to his lips. As their tongues dart in and out of each other’s mouths, both sets of hands fall to the other’s waist. Finn unbuttons and unzips Rae’s jeans, and Rae unfastens his belt buckle before undoing his button fly.

A tiny thought about her scars flickers across her mind, and Rae almost freezes. Finn senses her hesitation, and asks, “Everythin’ okay?”

She nods quickly, and after a brief scramble they are down to just their underwear. Finn lays Rae back against her pillow, and props himself up on his side, facing her. He starts to work his hand under the waistband of her knickers until his index finger finds just how ready she is. She twitches her hips forward at his touch, and her hands instinctively push her knickers down over her hips and down her thighs. Now Finn has more range of motion to explore her. He uses two fingers to stroke up and down and on each pass back up, Rae arches her back as he touches the same spot. He makes his strokes shorter and shorter until he finds the specific place that makes her jump, and massages circles on that spot as best he can while she writhes around. When she starts involuntarily kicking her legs, he thinks he’s going to lose it, and swings himself over her legs to straddle her, while keeping his fingers moving. Rae starts to make guttural sounds and he can feel her pelvic muscles contracting when he moves his hand down to slip a finger inside her. She hastily brings her arm up to her mouth to muffle her groans against the back of her wrist.

As her moans subside, Finn looks at her and says, “Have ya got any … ?” and glances to her bedside table. If they’d decided to do this at his house, he had an economy pack that he’d bought the first week they’d started dating. Her eyes widen for a second, fearing she doesn’t, but then she remembers that when her mother had flicked the packet of SafemaX at her the day of her date with Archie, she had been too upset to realize Rae had kept them.

Rae nods and reaches over to her nightstand, trying to fish one out from the bottom of the top drawer. Her fingers finally recognize the smooth foil square and she pulls it out, triumphant. She hands it to Finn, and he rips it open with his teeth and quickly puts it on. He looks into her eyes and starts to ask once again, “Are ya–” but she silences him by pulling him to her for a kiss. She reaches down to help guide him inside her. He goes so slowly that both of them are drunk with sensation by the time he’s completely in. Rae lifts her hips and they begin to rock together in a sort of syncopated beat. Finn is on the steady rhythm and Rae’s tempo dances around his. He’s been leaning closer and closer to her with each thrust, and her legs wrap tighter and tighter around his legs. He’s trying to think of lyrics to slow himself down, but finally he can’t hold back anymore, and his inarticulate cries change to her name, “Rae!” as he bucks faster. He calls it over and over again, and just as his back arches up, Rae feels with a rush of warmth pass over her. Her hands and feet start to tingle, and the sensations that were centered around Finn’s fingers several minutes ago start to radiate throughout her whole body. She calls his name just once, but it’s a long held note that rises before it dies on her lips.

Finn wraps his arms around her and holds her so close she can barely breathe. He then makes sure the condom is still where it should be and, as he backs out, Rae has one final, unexpected shudder. She gets goosebumps and is suddenly chilly. Finn grabs the blanket from the end of her bed and pulls it over them.

He squeezes in next to her on the twin bed and, this time, she turns to him, and leans into his chest. She thinks about how if she could, she would burrow inside his chest and live there full time, that’s how safe she feels right now. They remain like this for a few minutes and then Finn glances at her alarm clock. It’s 9:15. Karim could be early getting back from class. He reluctantly sits up, and Rae starts to pout. It’s possibly the cutest thing Finn has ever seen, but he whispers, “I don’t intend on getting either of us grounded. We have rehearsals, and I also plan to practice this activity with you regularly.” She sighs and sits up.

He slides to the edge of the bed and puts on his boxers and jeans, then tosses Rae her knickers. He has to cross the room to retrieve her bra. “Bloody hell, Rae, I didn’t know you could throw!” he smirks at her as he hands it back. In a minute, they are both dressed. Finn takes the used condom he placed in a tissue to the bathroom and Rae hears a flush. When he comes back, she raises an eyebrow. He shrugs and says, “Surest way to destroy the evidence.”

They perch together on the side of her bed, and alternate between looking at their interlaced hands and into each other’s eyes. Finn wishes they could have just stayed under the blanket till morning, or until they were ready to give it another go. Rae feels like Finn just gave her the best first time anyone’s ever had.

She remembers Chloe describing her first time, and how she talked more about the bloody cheese and Branston pickle sandwiches than how it felt. When she’d raised her eyebrows and said, “Well, you know the rest!” Rae remembers thinking, “You know we bloody don’t.” She’d been angry at the time, but now she thinks that maybe Chloe’s first time didn’t feel like anything to write home about, unlike Rae, who feels like she could write a thousand page book on what she’s just experienced.

She shakes her head and chuckles.

“What?” asks Finn, still slightly worried about how it was for her.

“Nothing.” He gazes at her entreatingly. “Well, I just always thought there would be music playin’ my first time, like The Stone Roses or summat.”

Finn smiles at her. “Not to sound like a total knobhead, but … I think we made our own music.”

She smiles and her breath catches in her throat, but then she rolls her eyes, playing at being annoyed. “That’s terrible,” she mocks and bumps his shoulder with her own.

He gets serious again, and reaches out to touch her cheek. “Rae …”

“Yeah?” she breathes.

“That was fuckin’ amazin’. I just want you to know. I never …” He doesn’t want to think about the other times he’s done it, but he can’t help comparing them in his mind. “Anyway, I hope you thought so, too.” He kisses her softly.

“Finn.” She states, matter-of-factly. “I can safely report that was the best sex I’ve ever had.” He looks at her, shocked, and now it’s his turn to bump shoulders with her. “Oi!” he yelps.

She stands up. “Okay, now I am bloody starvin’! I’m havin’ some shepherd’s pie, whether you want any or not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first ever attempt at a sexy scene; I hope I've improved somewhat since!


	3. The Morning After the Night Before

It’s funny how after two people consummate their relationship, things can get more awkward. Everyone thinks that the act of making love will be this apotheosis for a relationship, lifting both parties above the petty bullshit. And while in the moment, that can be true, there are thousands of moments after that combine into time to think and wonder and replay and worry.

Rae was in this post-coital crisis. She and Finn had done it. THEY HAD DONE IT. And it had been amazing. She wouldn’t even realize how amazing it had been for years, when she’d heard and seen and read about enough first times to know that they are almost invariably terrible. She had felt amazing last night, and she was sure Finn had, too. They’d talked about it, briefly, and everything was wonderful. Until he left.

He’d left at ten on the nose. He waved back at Rae from the pavement and she watched his figure retreat until she couldn’t see him in the lamplight anymore. Just as she turned to go back inside, Karim walked up from the opposite direction. “Rachel?” he said, confused.

“Oh, hi, Karim! How was your class?” She asked, hoping he hadn’t seen Finn, and hoping he wouldn’t ask why she was at the door.

He nodded his head. “Class is … good.” Shouldn’t have expected too much after the first night, Rae thought.

Rae headed to her room after they were both inside. “Well, good night,” she said from the bottom of the stairs.

“Good night, Rachel,” Karim said. When walked into the kitchen, he noticed two plates in the sink and lifted an eyebrow. He smiled and shook his head, deciding not to say anything to Linda. He quickly washed, dried and put them away, before going out to check on his birds.

Upstairs, Rae sat on her bed and glanced around her room. Everything looked the same, somehow. She thought after she had sex, crossed through the mystical orgasm gateway with someone other than her own hand, that everything would be different. Better.

She stretched back on her bed and closed her eyes, trying to recall all the sensations of the evening, focusing on how she had felt and how Finn had looked at her.

The next thing she knew, it was half six in the morning. She’d fallen asleep in her clothes, and had to get ready for school. She felt strung out and stale, not the way she expected to feel after the most exciting night of her young life. She met her mother on the landing on her way to the bathroom, and they nodded briefly. Her mum looked ready to drop, and Rae couldn’t have told her what happened, anyway.

In the shower, she started to feel a little better, but those old insecurities and nagging thoughts were clamoring to the front of her mind again. She realized she was daft to think that simply having sex would wash away any of her problems. If anything, it would probably add to them.

As she walked to school, she sensed someone behind her, walking at a slightly faster pace. They were gaining on her, and she tensed up. She always feared being ridiculed when she was out alone, and even if it was just some twat speed-walking to work, that awkward moment of being passed and jockeying for position on the pavement was always weird. So, when the someone touched her shoulder, she jerked her arm away, and turned to say, “What the FU–Oh!”

It was Finn.

He pulled his hand back, like he had been burnt. “Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare ya, Rae, just thought we’d walk to school together. I went by your house, but Karim said you’d already left. Had to run to catch ya!” He kissed her on the cheek, took her hand in his, and started walking. She matched her gait to his and smiled at her shoes.

“No, I’m sorry I snapped at ya. I just wasn’t expecting to see ya, is all.”

He frowned at this. True, they didn’t walk to school together everyday. They both could be hard to shift in the morning, and that meant they didn’t always have time to meet up. But he thought she could have sounded more pleased to see him. Still, they were holding hands in public, which is something she didn’t usually let him do.

When they got closer to school, she took her hand away, seemingly to adjust her backpack, but she didn’t return her hand to his when she was finished, so he had to grab onto it again. She looked over at him and smiled. His face softened and he gently rubbed her hand with his thumb.

As they approached the building, Archie, Chloe and Izzy were waiting for them by the door. Archie stood up from the steps and waved, “Oi, you two!”

Chloe raised an eyebrow and glanced knowingly at Izzy before saying, “What did you two get up to after rehearsal? I tried calling you last night, Rae, but you didn’t answer.” Rae looked blank. She hadn’t even heard the phone ring.

Most of Rae wanted to scream that they had done it, and that it was amazing, but a tiny part of her wanted to keep what had happened secret and special for a little while longer. And another voice, deep down, wanted to save Finn the humiliation of having to explain why he’d had sex with her, of all people. Her eyes flicked up to see Finn’s reaction. He was smiling, but silent. When their eyes met, they both shrugged.

Just then, the bell for classes rung, and Finn leant over to kiss Rae on the cheek again. “See ya at noon, yeah?” She nodded and watched him and Archie walk down the hall together.

Chloe and Izzy both looked at her expectantly. “Well?” Izzy asked. “Did anythin’ ‘appen last night we should know about?”

Rae smiled and said, “That would be tellin’, wouldn’t it?”

Izzy laughed and said, “Cheeky!” but seemed satisfied for Rae to leave it at that. Chloe seemed to twitch with agitation for a second, before smiling and saying, “Well, I think practice went pretty well, wouldn’t you say?”

Rae nodded and Izzy said, “TOtally! I can’t wait to hear what other songs you sing, Rae!” She bounced off down the hall to her first class, while Chloe and Rae both walked into their shared History class.

Rae mumbled, “Chloe, you did a great job last night,” at her friend before taking her seat. Rae wished for the hundredth time she could play the bass and Chloe could sing, and then they would each get what they wanted. But Chloe had sung a Cranberries song for the rest of the band, ostensibly to see if she could do backing vocals, and she was simply not any good. Rae thought back to the list she’d recited to Kester, of all the things Chloe was that she wasn’t, and wondered if maybe Chloe had a short list of the few things Rae could do that Chloe couldn’t. 1. Clever and funny in front of boys. 2. Can sing. Yeah, thought Rae, that was probably it.

* * *

Finn was outside her classroom door as she left French class to meet him. “Hello,” he said softly. She smiled at him, suprised. “Hi, what are you doing? Did you get kicked out of class?” He shook his head, although that wouldn’t be a bad guess. He had strategically waited until the very end of his class to ask for a lavatory pass, and Mrs. Phelps had said, “Just go, but don’t get up to any mischief in the halls.”

As he had made his way over to Rae’s classroom, he replayed the previous night in his head for probably the tenth time. He had woken up in the best mood and couldn’t wait to see Rae again, but when he’d met up with her in the street, she didn’t seem particularly pleased to see him, and now he was questioning everything. Had she really been taking the piss with that “best sex I’ve ever had” line? He shook his hair to clear his thoughts and slouched next to the doorframe, waiting for Rae.

They fell into step and he took her hand again. She did everything in her power not to betray her feeling that he shouldn’t do that, and seemed to get away with it. A few heads turned to look scornfully at Rae as they threaded their way through the crowd towards the caf. Finn looked at her before they push through the door. “Ya hungry?” he asked.

She pondered this for a second and shrugged. “Not really.”

“Good.” He tightened his grip around her palm and started striding towards the door to the sports field.

“Whoa, where’re we goin’?”

“Just thought we could use some fresh air,” he said, pushing the door open.

They walked around the corner of the building, to a shaded alcove. Finn leaned his back against the wall and let himself slide down until he was sitting on the ground. He looked up at her and said, “Come on, join me.” He glanced around to see if there were any teachers about, and then pulled a cigarette out of his jacket pocket. Rae dropped her bag on the ground and then lowered herself as delicately as possible to sit next to him.

Finn exhaled a puff of smoke and then looked at Rae. “So, what’s up?”

“Nothin’s up. Whaddya mean?” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Well, I woke up this mornin’ feelin’ fantastic, but when I saw you, you looked like someone had … what was your phrase? … drowned your favorite puppy. So, what’s up? Do you regret last night? Were you lyin’ to me when you said you …” he trailed off and looked at his cigarette.

“No! I–” she looked down, ashamed. “Last night was amazin’, Finn. It’s … it’s ME.” She took a deep breath. He already knew something was up, and he wasn’t going to believe it if she said nothing was wrong. So she bit the inside of her cheek until it nearly bled and started. “I wasn’t exaggeratin’ when I said I’m actually mad. Whenever anythin’ good happens, it’s like a tic or somethin’, I just assume it’s goin’ to end, or if the somethin’ good is a person … I jus think they’re gonna leave.”

Finn’s eyes ranged over her face, but he didn’t say anything.

“I know it’s crazy, and I know I shouldn’t think those things, but it’s like I’m hard-wired to be ready for disappointment. I-I’m workin’ on this stuff with Kester. Bu’ if you want someone who’s, like, carefree or wha’ever … tha’s not me.” She sighed and looked over at Finn. He was looking away now, brow furrowed.

She decided to try and break the tension. “I guess I picked a good first song for the band,” she chuckled. He looked over at her, confused. “I only like it when it’s com-pli-ca-ted,” she sung the last word, and Finn allowed himself a small smile.

He finished his cigarette and stubbed it out on the ground next to him. Then, he put out his arm and gestured for her to lean against him. “C’mere, you.” She leant over, and he squeezed her to his chest for a moment. He kissed the top of her head and said, “I’m no’ goin’ anywhere, Rae. Not unless you really want me to.”

She sighed into his chest and said, “I don’t!” She could feel tears start to prick the back of her eyes and looked up, trying to keep them from falling. She sniffed and said, “For wha’ it’s worth, there’s nobody else I would’ve told all that to. So … tha’s somethin’, I guess.”

“Not even Kester?” Finn asked.

“Well, not in those words. And he was the one who made me realize that I had this fear of rejection. That I’ve been sort of, like, rejectin’ myself before anyone else could.”

Finn looked Rae in the eye. “Please don’t do tha’,” he said, sadly.

“I’m tryin’ my best,” said Rae, and he could hear in her voice that she was.

She wiped a finger under her left eye, and sat up. Finn looked at his watch. “Fifteen minutes left,” he said. “You know, I’m actually starvin’. Should we–?” He gestured back at the door to the caf. She nodded, her stomach growling.

Inside, they each grabbed a sandwich from the counter and made their way over to the rest of the gang.

“An’ jus’ where did you two get to?” Archie asked in a mocking tone.

Finn raised his eyebrows. “Jus’ had a chat, tha’s all.”

Chloe and Izzy each gave Rae a look, and she shook her head. “Yeah, everythin’s fine.”

The other three took them at their word, realizing that they were dealing with a couple now, and they were going to have their secrets.

“Well, while you two were off gallivantin’, we’ve been discussin’ the band,” Archie said, adjusting his glasses.

“Oh, yeah?” Finn asked, shoving a bite of sandwich in his mouth.

“We were thinkin’ maybe we’d ‘ave another practice Friday after school. Chloe says her dad’s fine with it, an’ we can go to the pub when we’re finished.” He looked between Finn and Rae and grinned. “That is, if you’re available.”

They both nodded without looking at the other. Rae swallowed her bite of food and said, “Yeah, sounds cool. Are you choosin’ the next song, Archie?”

Finn looked up at this. Archie patted his bag and said, “I’ve got a few in mind. I’ll let you know by tomorrow, so ya can practice.”

The bell rang, and everyone groaned. As they stood up, Finn kissed Rae on the cheek and she flushed, looking around to see if anyone saw. “Finn …” she said.

“Rae …” he mocked her tone, then looked her in the eye. “I’ll see you after school. Don’ make me chase after ya again, alrigh’?“

She nodded. "I won’t.” He kept his eye on hers. “I promise I won’t.”


	4. Talking Heads

By the time Rae had her next session with Kester, the band had met for three practices and expanded their repertoire. She was unusually quiet for the first twenty minutes. Kester asked her a few questions, but when she didn’t seem to want to talk, he backed off. He knew that she couldn’t be forthcoming every time they met and had seen her walk out once before when he pressed her too hard. Sometimes just having the space to think without the expectation of having to make conversation and appear cheerful was helpful.

After a few more minutes of brooding silence, Rae shifted in her seat and looked at Kester. He’d been watching the moods drift across her face, and sat forward, waiting.

“So … the gang … we … started a band.” Her voice was low, and she looked away as she spoke, trying to act casual.

“Oh, yeah? That sounds …” he struggled for an adjective. “… cool?” He winced slightly, realizing how naff that sounded. “So, you’re in this band?”

She took a deep breath in through her nose and sighed, “Yeah.”

“Well?”

“I’m, like, the singer or wha’ever.” She was trying to be casual about it, and not reveal that she was bricking it on an hourly basis every time she thought about having to get up in front of people and sing.

“Wow!” Kester looked surprised, yet intrigued. “That’s a big deal, Rae! Congratulations. Are you pleased about it?”

“I–I’m not sure.” Her face contorted into a look of real concern. “Like, I really like to sing. And I think I’m okay at it. But …” her voice trailed off and she looked out of the window.

“But what?”

“I’m really nervous to get up in front of strangers.”

“That’s a very common concern. Public speaking and performance is often listed as people’s number one fear.” He suspected there were other reasons why she was dreading singing to strangers that had nothing to do with her voice.

“Yeah, but … okay, I jus’ KNOW someone’s gonna say somethin’. About me. Specifically.”

“What do you think they might say?”

She rolled her eyes and huffed. “Like, summat abou’ how I look. That I should get off the stage or … Well, mainly that.” Her eyes widen. “I mean, I get it walkin’ down the bloody pavement, mindin’ my own business. What’s it gonna be like when I go up there, basically ASKIN’ people to take the piss?”

Kester looked at her with a meditative eye. “I appreciate your worries are valid. And I also understand that you want to be part of this band with your friends.” He paused a moment, giving Rae a thoughtful look. “How do you feel when you’re singing?”

Rae frowned at her lap and studied her clenched hands. “I dunno.”

Kester raised an eyebrow.

She sighed again, “I guess … when I sing along to songs at home, it’s great. I just, sort of, lose myself in the music. When I sing in the choir at school, it’s different. I’m a little more aware of what I’m doin’, but I feel safe, because there’s a load of other people singin’ the same part, so I don’t feel like everythin’s on me.” She paused, knowing she hadn’t given Kester the answer he was looking for.

“And when I sing with the band, I feel …” She tried to think. She kind of felt powerful. Everyone playing together was important, but she was the one telling the story, shouting the words, sharing the message of the music. She took that very seriously, and got the feeling the others were actually pretty impressed with her. But what she said to Kester was, “I feel pretty good. Like, I know the notes and the words and what they mean. We’re havin’ a good laugh practicin’, and I’m just worried that Finn and Archie will want to start tryna book gigs soon. I dunno if I’m ready for that, and I don’t wanna let ‘em down.”

Kester smiled at her. “I don’t believe you will. Just keep reminding yourself that you know what you’re doing. Confidence is the key. For what it’s worth, I have faith that you can do it.”

Rae smiled and said, “You haven’t even heard me sing!”

“Doesn’t matter.” Kester looked at the clock behind Rae’s head. “Time’s almost up. Anything else you want to discuss?” She thought about telling Kester that she had lost her virginity, but she still hadn’t told Chloe and Izzy yet and wanted to keep it between her and Finn for a bit. Then, she saw a can of Big-Cal on the radiator behind Kester’s desk, and the vision of Tix flashed across her mind.

“Well, I know you can’t really say much, but how’s Tix doing at the rehab place?”

Kester cleared his throat. “She’s … gaining strength slowly. I can’t say anything about her mental state; what I will say is that she’s pretty isolated at the new facility. They’re keeping an even closer eye on her, and she doesn’t know any of the other patients well enough to trust them.”

Rae got the message. She should visit her friend. She felt terrible for having let it go this long, but it was easy to get wrapped up in Finn and her friends and school and the band and not think about how lonely and scared Tix must be by herself.

“I see,” Rae said in a low voice. “I’ve tried callin’ her a couple of times, but she wouldn’t come to the phone the first time, and then she wouldn’t say anythin’ the other times. I could hear her breathin’ on the end of the phone, but it was like she lost her voice.” She looked up, trying to keep the tears welling up in her eyes from falling. “I’ll see if I can get a ride out there to visit her this weekend. Thanks for letting me know, Kester.”

He nodded. “I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you, Rae. Same time next week, yeah?”

* * *

Rae walked out of the hospital in a daze. She often felt lighter and happier after a session with Kester, having unloaded some bullshit from her backpack. Today, she felt flattened by the news about Tix. She was lost in her thoughts as she approached the park, but thought she heard someone call her name. She peered around over her shoulder, but didn’t see anyone. Then she looked to her left and there was Archie, jogging along and waving an arm at her.

He slowed down as he approached and breathed heavily as he said, “Hey, Rae! Fancy seein’ you here.”

Rae smiled at him, “ How’re ya, Archie?”

“Excellent, now that I’ve run into you, m’lady.” He bowed slightly and then leaned in to kiss her cheek.

She laughed at him. “None of that courtly love bollocks, you poof. You’ve been readin’ about King Arthur again, haven’t ya?”

He grinned and said, “Maybe … It’s lucky I saw you. I’ve been meaning to say, we really need to have a band meeting.”

“Uh, Archie? We have three of those a week. How often d’ya want us to practice?”

“No, not practice, a meeting. We need to get our name sorted. I always think that kind of thing is better at the pub, with everyone more relaxed. I mean, I’ve come up with several, and I told Finn to work on some options, but we need to agree on something soon.”

Rae’s stomach lurched slightly at the thought of naming the band. It was a major step. If they had a name, they could tell it to other people. Other people would know about the band. And, most frightening of all, they could make some of those crap flyers up to advertise their first gig.

“I think it’ll be hard to come up with somethin’ everyone agrees with, Archie. You know how pig-headed Chop can be.” She half-hoped an argument would slow everything down. But Archie shrugged and said, “Yeah, but he’s not hard to wear down. Do you have any ideas for names, Rae?”

She pulled a face and said, “Not really. But I’ll let you know if anything springs to mind.”

They were quiet for a moment, just walking along the path in comfortable silence. “This is nice,” Archie said.

“What is?” Rae asked.

“This. Just hanging out the two of us. It’s been awhile since just you and me had a nice chat. How’s things with Finn goin’?”

Rae couldn’t stop herself from smiling. “Good, I think. I mean, I haven’t got anythin’ to compare it to, but generally, yeah.” Paranoia set in halfway through her sentence. “Why? Has Finn said anythin’ to you?”

Archie laughed. “Calm down, Rae. I’ve never known Finn to be so … smitten … with anyone. Haven’t had a conversation with him in the last month that wasn’t about you in some way.” He saw she still looked worried and added, “And they’re all about how fantastic you are.” This was true, even if it was sometimes Finn complaining that Rae didn’t realize her fantasticness, but Archie felt that was best left unsaid.

Rae blushed. “Really?” She thought Finn might have complained about her acting weird after they’d had sex last week. “Well, that’s nice to know.” She shook her head, and found herself relaxing for a moment. As much as she loved Finn, being around him was sometimes very stressful. She never felt like she measured up to how great she thought he was, and it was a merry-go-round of her feeling okay about everything, then worried and self-conscious, and back again, up and down, round and round …

“Enough about Finn and me; we’re probably borin’ ya all to tears. What abou’ you, eh? Any likely lads out there?”

Archie visibly stiffened and glanced around. When he felt certain no one could hear them, he whispered, “Not really. I’ve been goin’ to these extra revisions with a bunch of other Cambridge hopefuls, and there’s this one guy, Eliot, who … I dunno. It seems like he always ends up sitting next to me. He asked if I wanted to go over notes after class sometime.” He shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Maybe I should just, you know, not think about this stuff until I go away to university. It’s like a bloody Gordian knot that I’m not ready to cut.”

Rae looked at him, confused. “What the hell’s a Gordian knot?”

Archie looked up at her from running his hand through his hair. “Oh, jus’ like, an impossible problem. Alexander the Great … never mind.” He could see her start to glaze over, like most people did when he started talking about historical figures.

“Okay, so, did you say you’d meet him to study?” Rae looked at him hopefully. She really wanted her friend to be happy, and felt it would be a shame if he had to wait nearly a year to even think about entertaining the possibility of a relationship.

Archie screwed his mouth into a cynical half-smile, shaking his head. “Nah, I kind of avoided answering him. He’ll get the hint.”

Rae stopped and put her hand on his arm. “Archie, if he asks again, I think you should go. Even if you two end up jus’ being mates, I think it would be good for you. I mean, if you like him … it sounds like he’s interested to me.”

Archie sighed. “Okay. You’re right. I think I just needed someone else to say it would be alright. Which is completely daft, I know.” He leaned over and gave her a one-armed hug. “You’re a good mate, Rae.”

She rubbed his shoulder and said, “So’re you, Arch.”

They linked arms and kept walking on, and neither one noticed Finn’s scooter drive past on the main road.

* * *

When she got home ten minutes later, her mum shouted down from upstairs, “Rae, your boyfriend has called here twice in the last five minutes! You’d better ring him back before he pitches a fit!”

Rae threw her bag down and sprinted to the phone. What could be wrong? she worried.

She dialed his number and the phone didn’t even ring once before she heard Finn’s voice say, “Rae? Is that you?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong? I just got home from therapy. Mum said you called here twice in five minutes. Everythin’ okay?”

“I thought your session was over at five. It doesn’t usually take you this long to get home.” There was an edge to his voice that she couldn’t understand and wasn’t sure she liked.

“Well, I ran into Archie in the park, and we had a bit of a chat. He’s … worried about his chances for Cambridge.” She obviously couldn’t tell Finn what Archie was really worried about, but thought that should placate him, without being a total lie.

There was silence at the other end of the line.

“Finn? You still there?” Rae was really confused now. “Is everythin’ alright or what?”

“Yeah, sorry. Everythin’s fine. I jus’–I went to pick you up from your session, but you’d already gone and when I called and you weren’t home yet … I got worried.” He sighed and shoved his free hand into his pocket, feeling like a right twat. He’d been ready to call her out about seeing her in the park, but now he felt stupid. He didn’t know what it was about seeing Rae hugging Archie, but it had hit him in the gut and he overreacted.

Rae relaxed a bit. “Oh! Well, ya should have said, ya silly twat. I would have waited!”

“Wanted to surprise ya, didn’ I?”

“You’re doing a lot of that these days … cheeky bastard.” Finn could hear her smiling down the line, and he released his death grip on the phone receiver.

“Anyway,” he said. “I’m glad you’re home safe. My dad’s just finished makin’ tea, so I should go. Can I call you later?”

“I’m countin’ on it.” She was about to hang up, but then said, “Hey, Finn?”

“Yeah?”

There was a bit of a pause while she took a deep breath. “I love you.”

A grin broke over Finn’s face, “I love you, too, Rae.”

He hung up the phone and walked into the kitchen. When his dad saw his face, he asked, “What’s got you in such a good mood–like I need to ask?” Finn just shook his head and said, “Oh, nothin’.” His dad nodded and said, “Sure.”

* * *

After dinner, Finn headed up to his room. He lounged on his bed, and wished that he could be cooler about Rae and Archie’s friendship. He remembered what it was like to be cool, carefree, above it all. He’d discovered that it was impossible to be cool and to care. And he cared so much about Rae it almost scared him.

It was just that Rae had so obviously fancied Archie at first, and Finn still wasn’t clear on why they hadn’t worked out. He thanked God, the universe, or whatever for them not getting together, but it was perplexing. He had replayed the scene he witnessed in the park after she said Archie was worried about school stuff, and it made sense. The two of them were always comforting each other, and it always turned out to be above-board. Finn felt he should have known better by now than to doubt Rae, but couldn’t tell her that he had feared the worst.

The word “smitten” didn’t cover what Finn was feeling by half. He’d never been so consumed with thoughts for a girl. He didn’t want her to think he was dangerously obsessed, because he wasn’t … was he? No, he didn’t have to spend every waking moment with her. His grades hadn’t slipped, and he ate, drank and smoked more or less the same as he had before. It was just that he used to have moments where his mind would go blank, or he’d daydream about getting a better scooter or his own car or being a famous guitar player or moving to London. Now, all that brain static was now devoted to thinking about Rae. Even when he was thinking about the band: what songs they should play, what name they should have, where they might play their first gig … it was all related to Rae.

And whenever he wasn’t thinking about her and the band, he was replaying last Wednesday night over and over in his head. They hadn’t had a chance for a repeat performance yet. Karim’s class was only one night a week, and Rae’s mum’s schedule was all over the map. Finn’s parents were great, but his dad was a homebody. Even if Finn’s mum was out with friends or had a late night at the office, Finn’s dad was still puttering around, poking his head in to ask if they wanted a cup of tea or some biscuits every whipstitch. So, Finn had lots of time to think about what he wanted to do next time they got the chance …

He broke his reverie long enough to realize that instead of thinking about Rae, he should be calling her. He dialed her number and … it was engaged. He put the receiver down and wondered who she could be talking to. Then again, it could be her mum … but wasn’t she on nights? Karim didn’t seem like the type to chat on the phone. Finn tried again. Still busy. He absent-mindedly punched his mattress in frustration. Fine, he’d find something else to do and not sit there hitting redial like a knobhead.

* * *

When the phone rang twenty minutes after she’d hung up with Finn, Rae smiled. He must have rushed through eating and cleaning up to call her back that fast. She picked up the phone and said, “Hello, there,” in what she hoped would be a seductive voice.

“Rae?” the female voice on the other end of the line sounded confused. “Is that you?”

Rae rolled her eyes and dropped the mouthpiece to sigh aloud without being heard. “Oh, hi, Chloe. What’s up?”

“Were you expecting a call? Is this a bad time?” Her voice sounded small and a little flat, and Rae felt bad for being annoyed.

“Nah, well, Finn’s gonna call me in a bit, but I can chat for a while. Anythin’ wrong?”

It was Chloe’s turn to sigh. “Not really.” Rae could clearly hear that their was something wrong, and waited for a beat before Chloe said her piece. “I mean, I don’t want to sound like a bitch …” she started.

Rae steeled herself for what was likely to be a very bitchy statement. “ … but I feel like the band stuff is cutting into my social life. I should have a boyfriend, Rae, and be spending time with him. Like, listening to HIS band practice or whatever. Instead, I’m at some sort of practice most nights. How’m I ever gonna meet the next guy?” She paused for breath, and maybe to collect her thoughts. “But I don’t want to let the band down. It’s so easy for you, Rae. You’ve got Finn, and he’s in the band, too.”

Rae’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head. She pulled the phone away from her ear to glare down the receiver.

“Easy?” she heard herself exclaim before she could stop herself. “What are ya on about, easy?”

Chloe faltered. “I–I just meant, you’re in this great relationship and you’re both in the same band, and the only one left is Archie, and I don’t even like him like that! I dunno, Rae, it’s not how I thought it would be.”

Rae sighed. “Chloe. Yeah, I love Finn and it’s really cool bein’ in a band together. But, I sort of feel this extra pressure, you know? I mean, I love singin’, and I’m really happy to be included, but I’ve been really nervous thinkin’ about if we ever perform. I don’t want to let the band down, ‘SPECIALLY not Finn.” Rae paused, both annoyed at Chloe’s nerve and amazed that Chloe seemed to be jealous of Rae. As hard as she had tried to be cool with Rae’s situation, the sentence ‘I should have a boyfriend, Rae’ showed that Chloe couldn’t be happy for her friend unless she was in the superior position.

“Can I ask you somethin’, Chloe?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Do you LIKE bein’ in the band?”

There was silence on the line, because Chloe had never even stopped to consider being in the band just because it was something she enjoyed.

Rae pressed her. “Well? How do you feel when you’re playin’?” She felt like she was Kester at this moment, psycho-analyzing her best friend.

“I–I feel … pretty good,” she admitted.

“So, if you like it, isn’t that enough reason to keep doin’ it?” Rae couldn’t keep the exasperation out of her voice.

There was another pause on Chloe’s end. Then, in a smaller voice than she’d started the conversation with, “You’re right.”

“You’ve been without a boyfriend for, what, six weeks or summat?” Rae asked, softening her tone. “You do know once we play our first gig, you’ll have a dozen male groupies lined up to date ya, right?”

Chloe laughed at this. “Hadn’t thought about it that way, actually.”

Rae chuckled. “Trust me, Chlo. Wear that mini-dress you bought the other week, and once guys see you can also wail on the bass, you’ll be spoilt for choice.”

Chloe giggled. “Thanks, Rae. I’ll let you go; I’m sure Finn’s been tryin’ to get through for ages. See you tomorrow at school. And we’ve got practice, right?”

“Yeah, see ya then.” She shook her head as she replaced the receiver. A second later, the phone rang again. “Hello?” she answered.

“You’re not avoidin’ me, are ya?” Finn asked, dispensing with greetings.

Rae sighed. “Did ya fall down and hit your head?”

“No, why?”

“Because that’s the only reason I can think for you assumin’ I’m avoidin’ ya, since we just talked thirty minutes ago.”

“Right, sorry.” He tried to keep his tone casual. “So … who was ya talkin’ to?”

“Bloody Chloe. She was whingin’ about not havin’ a boyfriend.”

Finn laughed. “Fuckin’ hell. Why’re you friends wi’ her, again?”

“I find myself wondering the same thing most days, but we’ve known each other so long. Anyway, enough about her. How’ve you been since I last saw ya … a whole four hours ago, is it?”

“It’s been awful, Rae,” he lamented.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“I miss ya!” he said dramatically.

“You daft bugger,” Rae laughed at him. “Anythin’ real to report?”

“Hmmm. Lemme think. Oh, I been thinkin’ of names for the band. But I’m savin’ ‘em for the next practice.”

“Oh, ARE you? Keepin’ me in suspense, eh?”

“I’ve got to do somethin’ to keep ya interested in me, Rae.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, right. You know I’m in deep smit, yet you keep danglin’ the carrots, anyway.”

Finn laughed. “Did you just make that up? Deep smit. I’ll have to use that in future.”

“Oi! Don’t forget to give proper credit!” she protested.

The pair chatted about nothing much for another half-hour, until Rae’s mum came in to give her daughter a stern look as she mouthed the word, “Homework.” They managed to drag out their good-byes for another five minutes, and when Finn finally hung up, Rae fell back onto her pillow, sighing and grinning like a loon. The high she got just from talking to him on the phone was enough to make up for anything. She was going to need a shovel, that’s how deep in smit she was.


	5. Band Meeting

After Rae had hung up with Finn, feeling like she had talked to just about everyone she knew in one day, she decided to sit down at her desk and try to do some homework. She reached into her backpack and pulled out her geometry book, sighing. Then, she rooted around for a pencil, since she couldn’t very well do maths with a light up pink pen. Her fingers grasped a book at the bottom of her bag, and she pulled it out. Her diary.

She hadn’t been writing in it much since the reception and getting together with Finn. Admitting to everyone that she wrote all her thoughts down had been as cathartic as writing in it every day. She still carried it around, more out of habit than anything else, but still had a fear in the back of her mind that someone might find it and read it. She opened the book to the last page she had written, several weeks ago. It had been a short entry, and she could still see the previous page she’d ripped out and remembered the note she had written her mother on it. She ran her finger along the uneven tear and then quickly turned the page.

Taking her favorite pen in hand, she started writing. She wrote about Finn, about the band, about her and Finn’s first time, about neglecting Tix, about how she still couldn’t believe she and Finn were together, about her mum and Karim’s insatiable lust for one another. Before she knew it, she’d filled several pages. She felt calmer, having off-loaded a bunch of the thoughts that had been flitting around in her brain for weeks, nagging at her to acknowledge them. Now that she had, she picked up her pencil and started her homework.

When she’d finished the assignment, she stood up and stretched. She walked downstairs to find her mum and Karim in a lazy pile on the couch. Karim was absent-mindedly twirling a lock of Linda’s hair around his finger, and they both stared blankly at the telly, which was on some home makeover program.

“Mum,” Rae said softly. Her mum wrenched her eyes away from the television and said, “Yes, love?”

“Are you busy this Saturday?”

“I don’t know. What’s up?” Linda sat up a bit, and Karim looked at her, worried.

“Well, I’d really like to go and see Tix. She’s at a new rehab place in Melton Mowbray. I feel terrible that I haven’t been to see her since she left hospital. Well, proper hospital, I guess.” Rae looked at the door frame she’s been holding onto, and picked at a spot of chipped paint nervously.

“Let me see what I’ve got on, and I’ll let you know tomorrow. If I can’t do it, can one of your friends take you?” Linda was concerned, but didn’t relish the thought of spending most of her free Saturday traipsing out to Melton Mowbray and back and sitting in her car smoking cigarettes, waiting for Rae to be done.

Rae shrugged. “I guess I can ask Finn.” She didn’t want to, but knew she’d feel worse if she waited another week or two to visit Tix.

Her mum smiled at her for a moment before he eyes gravitated back to the glowing box. The couple on the couch settled back into each other. Rae rolled her eyes and headed back upstairs.

She thought about how she could phrase the request to Finn. This was one of the hardest things about opening herself up to people more. All these separate parts of her life, that she thought she’d quarantined from one another were starting to touch and intertwine and get mixed up in each other. She wasn’t sure if Tix would even leave her room to see her, let alone her and Finn, who was a stranger. She knew her mum wouldn’t come in to see Tix, but she figured Finn would want to, and she’d feel bad telling him to sit on his arse for an hour by himself.

Rae shook her head and decided to get ready for bed. Time to worry about it tomorrow. She slipped a mix tape into her stereo, and turned the volume down. The faint strains of the music lulled her to sleep.

* * *

The next day at practice after school, the band got right to it, running through the songs they’ve already learned. As much to their surprise as anyone else’s, the more practices they had, they discovered they weren’t half bad. The lads’ long friendship meant that they could communicate a lot with a look. Even though Rae was still relatively new to the gang, her hypersensitivity was put to good use in this situation. She could tell by a glance from Archie that she had come in a beat early, and would nod to say that she knew, but they should carry on.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing, of course. At least once a rehearsal, Chloe would remark that she didn’t know if she was right for the band, and everyone would roll their eyes and assure her she was. Finn was suspicious because Archie kept suggesting songs that he could sing, not realizing that Rae had told him she didn’t want to sing every song by herself, which resulted in a heated discussion about the “direction of the band” halfway through practice.

Rae really enjoyed rehearsing, but as she discussed with Kester, there was a part of her that was dreading the time that all these rehearsals were leading to. Dreading the moment she would have to step out in front of a crowd of strangers and lay her soul bare.

She knew she should be honest with everyone about how she was feeling, but she didn’t want to let anyone down, or make them feel like they were forcing her to do something she didn’t want. Because now that she was in the band, she couldn’t imagine not being in it.

The rest of the gang felt the same way about Rae, she really was the glue that held the band together. Finn and Archie had been the ones to decide to form the band, but if Rae wasn’t there to mediate their creative disputes, or placate Chloe when she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention, or tell Chop to stop whinging on about his work schedule, the band probably would have broken up after their first rehearsal.

After  _I’m Only Happy When It Rains_ , they practiced Chop’s choice ( _Supersonic_ , because “It’s GOT to be Oasis!”), and then Archie’s selection,  _This Is Hell_. “I’ve been on an Elvis Costello kick lately,” he explained. Plus, he liked the contrast of the lyrics to the fairly cheerful tune. They all decided he would sing the song, but Rae would sing the refrain.

“You gonna dye your hair black, Arch?” she asked, winking at him.

Finn bristled slightly. He couldn’t help but be paranoid about Rae and Archie’s close relationship, even though Rae had reassured him a dozen times that they were just friends. They definitely had something conspiratorial going on between them, and Finn didn’t like feeling left out of any part of Rae’s life.

Arch pushed up his glasses and said, “I might jus’ do tha’!” He and Rae giggled, and Finn nearly shouted, “Right! Next song!”

Rae straightened her posture and snapped a salute in his direction. “Yes, sir!” she said. Then she looked around and said, “What is the next song? It’s your turn to choose, right, Finn?”

“Uh, yeah, I think you know this one, Rae,” he handed her the lyrics sheet and self-consciously ran his hand through his hair. She looked at it and nodded. Archie, Chloe, and Chop looked at each other, confused. Archie said, “Mate? Are you gonna let us know what we’re playin’?”

Finn smiled nervously and said, “It’s a simple one. We’ll run through it once just me and Rae.”

Rae cleared her throat nervously, thinking about how she’d found this used CD at the record store the day after they had formed the band. The title,  _Cover Girl_ , had caught her eye, because she knew they weren’t songwriters and would be doing covers. And even though she loved Oasis and Radiohead and The Stone Roses and Blur, she kind of wanted to sing more than one song that was arranged for a female voice. So, on a whim, she’d plunked down three quid and took it home.

It wasn’t the kind of music she usually listened to. It was a little folky, a few tracks had a little too much twang for her liking, but it was pleasant to listen to. But the next to the last track was a live cover of Talking Heads’  _This Must Be the Place_. She almost didn’t recognize it at first, and had to grab the CD to figure out what she was listening to and why it sounded familiar. When it was over, she hit repeat to play it again. And again. She decided to make a mix tape for Finn, mainly because she wanted him to hear this song, but she didn’t want to give him her CD. Because she knew she was going to listen to this song a lot.

Rae slipped the cassette into Finn’s hand at lunch the next day. She’d stayed up until midnight making sure it was as perfect as she could make it. The minute it was in his possession, he knew he’d be useless the rest of the day. The only thing he wanted was to go home and listen to it, feet propped up against the wall, hopefully with Rae lying on the floor next to him, the back of their hands grazing, his head touching hers.

He had made Rae three mixtapes in their burgeoning relationship. The first one she didn’t realize was for her, but that tape for the drive to Knebworth was compiled solely with her in mind. He never gave it to her, though, because after they had gotten to know each other better at the “sexy party” and after, he regretted some of the choices he’d initially made. He got a chance to remake musical history and put together a tour de force of a mix tape, which he presented to Rae two days after her mum’s reception. He’d walked over to her house first thing in the morning, and knocked on the door. Karim had answered, and his confusion was evident. Finn just handed him the tape and said, “It’s for Rae,” and walked away.

He’d put a note inside the cassette box that read, “Call me when you’ve listened to this.” As he was walking back to his house, songs he should have put on the first tape kept springing to mind. When he got back, he went straight to work on Volume Two. He knew he wasn’t good when he tried to use his own words, but he felt things deeply, and let the words of others speak for him.

Rae was floored by the tape. The songs were all so personal, and their relationship so new, she hoped she wasn’t reading meanings into songs that weren’t there. It started with  _Spaceman_ , too, but this time she listened more to the lyric, “There’s a fire between us,” than the annoying intro part. He put plenty of songs he knew she loved on it, and some songs she’d never heard before that hit her in the gut. She listened to it twice through before calling Finn, and when he answered, he just said, “Well?”

She said, “It was perfect, thank you.”

“I’m making you another one,” he said, his smile audible.

“You’re going to spoil me!”

“Not possible.”

So, after being equally touched and intimidated by Finn’s talent for musical mixology (it was his tape that had lulled her to sleep most nights), Rae had tried a couple of times to make one for him. But it never felt quite right, and she’d tape over each one in frustration. However, when she heard this song, she knew it would anchor the tape. She strategically put the song halfway through the first side. It would have been too eager to lead with it, and it would have been too standard to make it the second track. True to form, she included drawings and decorations around the song titles, putting two little stars either side of  _This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)_  on the listing. There were hearts around other song titles, and some smiley faces and infinity symbols. She’d also included a note, like Finn did with his first tape. “Let me know which song you think is my new favorite.” She wanted him to listen to it without her first.

The song was a bit of a departure from the previous tunes on the tape. It made him prop himself up on his elbows to try and listen closer, because its sound was so different. It was simpler, and the lyrics went straight through him. He rewound the tape to listen to the song again, but then let it play on.

When the tape was done, Finn went down to his parents’ record collection in the living room and flipped through the albums until he found what he was looking for, the original Talking Heads version. He carried the record upstairs and put it on, just to compare the two. The original was … more original. It was jerkier and quirkier, and made him smile, but the version on Rae’s tape was clearer. The words seem to have more meaning. And Shawn Colvin had changed some of the lyrics. The part at the end was revised from

_And you love me till my heart stops_

_Love me till I’m dead_

to

_Will you love me until my heart stops?_

_Will you love me until I’m dead?_

And those questions seemed to be so poignant, so hopeful, and he knew they were the questions everyone asked. They were eternal and their answers never absolute.

He put the album back in its sleeve, and searched the first side of the tape until he found the song again. He took out his guitar and started learning the chords.

So, when Finn started strumming a tune that none of the rest of the band recognized, they all sat down to listen. Finn and Rae hadn’t practiced this together. Until this moment, Rae hadn’t even been sure if he’d really liked the song. She was happy he correctly figured out which tune was her new favorite, but then couldn’t be sure if he was saying he liked it just because she did or if he actually liked it himself.

She was nervous and missed her intro, so Finn played the same four bars again and when she sang the first word, “Home,” Finn looked down at his guitar, so he wouldn’t mess up or, god forbid, cry. Rae didn’t look at him while she sang, either.

Her voice was a little unsure at first, but got stronger, and Finn’s playing was gentle and toned down. When they finished the song, the rest of the gang didn’t say anything. Rae and Finn finally allowed themselves to make eye contact again. Their eyes were both bright and they shared a small smile.

The silence lingered longer than was comfortable, so Finn shifted in his seat and said, “Obviously, we can add a bass line and Archie can play along with the melody, and we could figure out something with the drums …” Rae nodded and said, “Or, if you guys don’t think it’s right for us, we don’t have to practice it again.”

Chop spoke first. “Nah, it’s best just yous two. Tha’ was dead brilliant. Not my usual thing, but ya nailed it.”

Archie nodded, “Yeah, took me a bit to recognize the original. Who did the arrangement?”

Rae grabbed her bag and pulled out the CD to show Archie.

Izzy sniffed and said, “Rae, that was so lovely! It really suits your voice!” She walked over with her arms outstretched and Rae leaned down to embrace her little friend.

Chloe was last to comment, as usual. “Yeah, it doesn’t really sound the same as our other songs … but, like, in a good way,” she quickly added.

“Do you guys want to go through it again?” Archie asked.

Rae and Finn glanced at each other and Rae said, “Nah, we’ll practice it later. Archie, you should do your  _Return of the Mack_!” Everyone nodded in agreement, and Archie laughed, embarrassed. “Fine!” he said and Chop counted him in.

* * *

After practice, they all went to the pub.

“Everyone got a drink?” Archie asked, once they’d settled into their usual booth.

The gang nodded, some raising their glasses as evidence.

“Right, then. I now call this band meetin’ to order. First and last piece of business: a name. Come on, you lot, let’s get this sorted. Who’s first?” Archie picked up his pen, ready to jot down all suggestions.

Chop finished his gulp of beer and said, “Okay, I’ve been thinkin’. We do a fair number of Oasis songs, righ’?” So far they’d learned two, but everyone nodded to placate Chop. “See, I thought we could have a name that was like Oasis, like, that meant the same thing.”

“What’s another word for Oasis?” Izzy asked.

Chop grinned, pausing for effect. “Wellspring.”

No one said anything for a minute. Then, as if on cue, everyone shook their heads no.

“Sorry, Chop, but that’s a shit name,” Rae said. “It sounds like somewhere you send your nan when she’s gone doolally.” Everyone laughed, even Finn, though he had a vision of his nan in hospital and winced. Rae mouthed, “Sorry!” at him, and he shook his head to say it was okay.

“Yeah, sorry, Chop. It’s a good try, but I don’t think it’s quite us.” Archie hadn’t even bothered to write it down.

Chop looked down at his beer, dejected. Izzy stroked his arm to comfort him.

“I went to the bollockin’ library an’ everythin’ to look at the whatchacallit. The … thesaurus. That was the only pseudonym that sounded remotely cool.”

“Do you mean synonym?” Archie asked, chuckling.

“Five out o’ ten for effort, mate!” Finn clapped Chop on the back.

“Okay, another suggestion …” Archie looked round the table hopefully. He looked at his list, and realized no one was going to like any of them. They were all obscure references to history that had sounded clever in his own head. He’d even jotted down “Gordian Knot” after his chat with Rae the other day. The only one that wasn’t irretrievably nerdy was … “Well, if no one else is talkin’, I have one.”

“Jus’ one?” Rae asked mockingly.

“Yeah, jus’ one. What about … Superfluous Heroes?” He cringed slightly as he said it.

“What’s superfluous mean?” Izzy wore a look of consternation on her face.

“It’s, like, too many … an unnecessary amount.” Archie started to scribble the name out with his pen.

“So … are we the heroes? Or, are … I mean, who are the heroes? Isn’t too many a good thing?” Chloe asked. “I guess I don’t get it, sorry, Archie.”

“Never mind,” Archie replied glumly. “It was just an idea.”

Chop lifted his head to suggest something else. “What abou’ Aftershock?”

“What, like after people hear us play, they’re in shock?” Finn smiled at his own quip.

“Nah, I just thought, like, natural disasters … or summat.”

Archie looked at Finn. “Mate? Have you come up with anythin’?”

Finn glanced quickly at Rae. He hadn’t talked about his idea with her, but decided to just say it. “Well, I was thinkin’ we could, like, use the formula of older bands or wha’ever and be like … Rae and the … somethin’. Wha’ abou’ … Rae and the Stamford Rejects!”

Rae’s eyes widened, and she crossed her arms. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Finn.” She quickly tried to explain herself. “I mean, thanks an’ that, but it’s not MY band, it’s OUR band.”

“Yeah, but you’re the lead singer, Raemundo!” Chop exclaimed. Then, an idea struck and he said, “Hey! It could be like  _Raemundo_  and the … what was the second bit? Stamford Losers?”

“No, I think he said Rejects. Right, Finn?” Archie confirmed.

Rae kept shaking her head no. Chloe looked around and saw that everyone was warming to the idea of having Rae’s name in the band name, but also saw how anxious Rae was getting.

“Guys, I don’t know about this, either. I agree with Rae, it should be something that’s US. An’ I don’t want to be a reject. OR a loser. Sorry, but I don’t.”

Rae smiled gratefully at Chloe. Everyone else looked a little deflated. It was the only thing they’d gotten excited about so far. Finn felt bad that he’d stressed Rae out, and grabbed the cigarette he’d stuck behind his ear to light it. She nudged his knee with hers under the table and he felt a little better.

Izzy leaned forward on the table. She was uncharacteristically gloomy for her, which meant she looked slightly thoughtful. “Well, I guess that’s a zero for starters on the name. I couldn’t think of anything at all. I guess everyone should come up with something for next practice, huh?”

Archie put up his hand to shush Izzy for a minute. “Wait. What did you say, Izzy?”

“Sorry, Archie, I was just sayin’ we should maybe think of some other names and try again.” She looked apologetic and confused, not sure what she did.

“No, no, no. You said, ‘zero for starters.’” Archie rubbed his chin as he wrote it down. “I like it. What do you all think? Like, as our name?”

Finn grinned and thought of Rae blasting him for playing Babylon Zoo in the car before Knebworth. Rae looked over at him and they wordlessly reminisced. For them, it was perfect. They both knew, better than most, that you can start with no expectations, even start with the idea something isn’t for you, and that something (or someone) can end up being the most important thing of all. Just because you get a zero for starters, doesn’t mean you’re done. In fact, it might just be where you really begin.

When they broke their intimate gaze, they looked around to see everyone smiling and nodding their heads in agreement.

A smile broke over Izzy’s face and she said, “Did I jus’ name the band?”

Chop grabbed her around the waist and said, “You did, indeed, m’darlin’!” He planted a kiss on her forehead and said, “Tha’s my clever girl!” She bounced up and down in her seat, clapping her hands with glee.

Everyone grabbed their glasses and raised them in a toast. “Zero for Starters!”

“At leas’ no one will have high expectations of us, wi’ a name like that,” Finn murmured to Rae. She turned to look at him and said, “Not at first, no. But they’ll change their minds.”

He grinned at her once again, and kissed her cheek.

* * *

After another hour at the pub, it was half eight and they decided to break it up. It was a school night for everyone but Chop, and no one wanted to push it and get grounded. They said their goodbyes outside the pub, and everyone set off in different directions. Finn walked Rae home.

“Finn?” Rae asked, after a fair bit of hesitation.

“Yeah?” He looked over at her and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“After practice on Saturday …” she started. “And say if you don’t want to, because my mum might be able to take me …”

“What?” Finn was a little worried now.

“I need to visit Tix. She’s been at the new place for a month now, and between school startin’ back and the band, and YOU, of course, I haven’t been to see her yet.”

“Rae, why’d you think I’d say no?”

“I didn’t think you would, but it’s … kind of weird. I know most people don’t want to spend their weekends going to a mental hospital, but Tix is in there all the time, and Kester says she doesn’t know anyone …” she trailed off.

“Just let me know when. Where is it?”

“Melton Mowbray.”

“Cool. We can take my scooter then, if the weather’s nice.”

“You’re sure you don’t mind?” Rae asked.

“I’m sure, Rae.” He squeezed her hand tighter.

When they got to the end of her street, he stopped and pulled her close to him. He lifted her hair and kissed her neck. Then he looked into her eyes before moving in to kiss her deeply on the lips. Rae had leaned back in surprise, but then leaned into Finn’s body, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. When they came up for air, she whispered, “You’re not seein’ me to my door? That’s not very gallant.”

“‘Course I’m walkin’ you to your door. Jus’ didn’t want to say good night there, if you know what I mean. Your mum or Karim could open the door on us.” He gave her another quick kiss.

“Mmmm,” Rae sighed. “Good point.”

After another intense embrace, Finn sighed into Rae’s hair. “I wish we didn’t have to spend every night apart.”

“Me, too,” she said, dreamily, imagining waking up in Finn’s arms.

Finn kissed her again, and said, “Right, let’s get you home.” Rae slumped forward dramatically. “No, don’t LEAVE me!” she said, mock-pleading. Finn smiled and thought about playing along, but felt shy. So he just took her hand and pulled her the rest of the way. “I lied,” he said when they got to her door, leaning in to kiss Rae a final time.

“That’s the kind of lie I can live with,” Rae said happily. She waved as he walked away, looking over his shoulder.


	6. A Day Out

Finn walked home from Rae’s house with a smile on his lips. He shook his head happily when his thoughts drifted back to the idea waking up next to Rae everyday. The only reference point he had, the one that he clung to and replayed incessantly, was the morning after her party. They’d slept in the same bed, and he’d fallen asleep first, practically in the middle of a sentence. It had been a draining night, but Rae had somehow made him feel that things were going to be okay, despite losing his nan, despite her having treated him like crap all day, and he fell into a dreamless, satisfying slumber.

When he’d woken up that morning, he was disoriented for a moment, trying to place where he was. He’d never forget the image he first saw: a cartoon bunny in a dress next to a Wonderwall poster. But when he carefully turned over, there she was, still asleep. She didn’t snore, but her breathing was deep and even. He looked at her fondly even then, but obviously his memory had become distorted by longing. Every time they said good night, he’d see a flicker of that morning in his mind and wish furiously that they could spend every night sleeping by each other’s side.

These wishes had only gotten more intense since last Wednesday. It had been so hard to leave her after they had finally done it. He had been pretty cavalier with a few hearts in his past dalliances, but that was only because none of them had captured his. He honestly and truly desired nothing more than to spend all his time with Rae. He hadn’t quite grasped the concept that you can’t miss someone if they’re always there. And that it was the exquisite torture of wanting, wanting to be near someone you can’t always be with, that makes your first love so special.

Rae, on the other hand, felt a little differently about the situation. Though she definitely wanted to have sex with Finn again (and again and again), and while she thought it would be brilliant to just be able to fall asleep afterwards, enjoying the afterglow for more than a minute … she sighed in frustration. She still had this fear that if Finn spent too much time with her, he’d lose interest. And, as she was getting to know herself better through therapy, she also was starting to figure out that she was someone who needed time and space to process things. If they were together all the time, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to properly enjoy it. She’d have to do her worrying in real time, instead of saving it up for private fretting sessions. She wasn’t worried about burping in his mouth anymore (he’d probably find that hilarious), but she was concerned about blowing up in front of him, like she’d done the day before Knebworth at the chippy.

She loved being with him, and it was getting easier to relax around him, but she still needed time on her own. And she realized she also needed her diary. She had distrusted it for weeks after it had fallen into Chloe’s hands. But the fact that Chloe hadn’t actually read it, had only read the page that Rae herself had ripped out and thrown into her bag angrily, meant that she had to find a way to trust both herself more and the diary again.

After she filled four pages with her wandering thoughts, she breathed a sigh of relief. It felt good to confess. She closed the book, and stood up to close her bedroom curtains. She glanced out the window and saw Mrs. Dewhurst silhouetted in profile in her front room. She was looking down, and her posture seemed sad. Rae recalled her thoughts from a couple of months ago: that some bodies weren’t meant to be touched, and therefore some people weren’t meant to be loved. She’d been resigned to it at the time. Mrs. Dewhurst seemed feisty and cheerful enough; she’d thought, “Cool. I’ll just be a cantankerous old biddy. I’m halfway there, anyway, just need to get old.”

Now that she’d known a little of what it was like to both be touched and be loved by someone that she’d chosen to love … she could only imagine how very lonely it would be to live by herself. She needed to remember that, as well.

* * *

The band met Friday after school and again Saturday morning. After three hours, Rae looked at her watch and glanced over at Finn. He looked at his watch, too. It was one o’clock, and they still had to get over to see Tix. Finn cleared his throat and said, “We’ve done good work here, but maybe we should wrap it up?”

Archie and Chop looked at their watches, too. Chop yelped and said, “Fuckin’ ‘ell, I’m gonna be late to the garage!” He’d swapped shifts with someone in order to make practice. He kissed Izzy on his way out to his scooter. “Catch ya later, babe!” he shouted over his shoulder. Chloe and Izzy looked at Rae. “What are you two up to for the rest of the day?” Chloe asked, waggling her eyebrows.

Rae and Finn exchanged a glance. “We’re jus’ goin’ to take a ride,” Rae said, arranging a pile of papers to put in her bag.

“Well, have a nice time,” Izzy chimed in. “It might be one of the last nice days this year.” It was mid-October, but the weather hadn’t turned yet. It was almost balmy, and the sun was out.

“We will,” said Finn, and Rae followed with, “See ya later!”

They hopped onto the scooter, fastened their helmets and set off. Finn had looked up the address and gotten directions from his dad’s guide map. Rae wrapped her arms around Finn’s chest and they set off.

It was chillier at speed, and Rae didn’t feel like flinging her arms out like the first time she was on Finn’s scooter. Halfway to the facility, they passed Rutland Waters. The early afternoon sun glinted off the surface of the reservoir. Rae took a deep breath and sighed. Finn could feel her chest rise and fall against his back, and silently reminded himself that they were stopping somewhere on their return journey.

Twenty minutes later, they pulled up to the front door of the rehab facility. The front was a large country house they had converted, and there were two newer wings on either side. Rae swung her leg up and over the bike seat and took off her helmet, handing it to Finn. She also took off her backpack, hanging it off the back of the seat.

“Let me go in first, okay? I’m not even completely sure she’ll want to see me, let alone anyone else.” Finn nodded, and took off his helmet to kiss her.

“Good luck,” he said. “I’ll be right out here.”

Rae rang the buzzer by the front door and waited nervously. An orderly appeared after a moment. He was in his mid-twenties and imposing. He opened the door and said, “Visitor? Give me your name and the name of the patient.”

She stammered her own name and then said, “I’m here to see Tix, her last name’s Parkhurst. M-my boyfriend might be comin’ in to see her, as well. His name’s Finn Nelson.” She pointed over her shoulder at the figure on the bike.

He nodded and said, “Wait here. I’ll see if she’s feelin’ up to it.”

Rae shifted her weight nervously and her fingers fiddled with the edges of her sleeves.

The orderly came back after a few minutes and said, “She’ll see you in the garden. Come in and sign the book.” Rae glanced back at Finn, who had been observing the whole time. He waved at her and nodded for her to go ahead.

She walked in after the orderly and looked up at the impressive ceiling height. She felt dwarfed by the space, which was unusual for her.  The orderly took her to the desk and had her sign in at the nurses’ station. There was a long corridor with windows along the right side, and Rae could see into the garden. It was a lovely place, much nicer than the hospital in Stamford. She was led to the end of the hall and told to go out through the door and sit on a bench. Tix would be out shortly.

Rae walked to the first bench, which was in the shade. She started to sit down, but remembered that Tix was usually cold, so she thought better of it, and kept on until she found one that was in the sun. She perched on the edge of the bench, leaning forward expectantly. She was nervous. Though they were good friends, Tix could be unpredictable and had lashed out at her more than once.

Rae didn’t know which way to look out for Tixy, the path curved back on itself and led to two different doors. She was looking over her left shoulder when she heard light footsteps crunching on the gravel. Turning her head, she saw Tix, small as ever, but thankfully no smaller, walking slowly towards her.  

She wanted to leap up and crush her friend with a giant hug, but she made herself stay in her seat and let Tix come to her.

Tix stood in front of Rae, shoulders hunched, head pointed at her feet. She looked up through her fringe and whispered, “Hiya, Skinny.”

Rae smiled and said, “Hey, Fatty.” She motioned for Tix to join her on the bench, and Tix sat down. “It’s bad to start with an apology, but I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

The corners of Tix’s mouth curled up in an approximation of a smile. “Tha’s alrigh’, Rae. I wouldn’t be here, either, if I didn’t have to be.”

Rae held back a sigh and tried to think of what to say. “How’ve they been treatin’ ya?”

Tix looked away. “Fine. It’s not too different from Stamford; I jus’ don’t know anyone here.”

“Have you had any other visitors?” Rae silently hoped that she had, that she wasn’t the first person to come.

“Kester’s come a few times. I have a therapist here, but I don’t talk much to her. Danny … Danny came once, but I couldn’t make myself come down to see him.” She turned back to face Rae and changed the subject. “Tell me what you’ve been up to. Nothin’ happens in here, but I bet you’re havin’ all kinds of fun.”

Rae looked at her fingers. “Yeah, it’s been an interestin’ few weeks. Lots goin’ on. School’s back in session, and hasn’t been too bad, surprisingly. I’m still … with Finn, like I told ya when you came out of the coma,” Rae cleared her throat. “And the gang started a band.”

This time Tix actually smiled at Rae. The tension that was palpable started to crack. “Wow, sounds like you have been busy! Are you in the band, too?”

“I’m the singer, actually. Well, one of them. Archie sings lead on some songs. We’re really just practicin’ for fun. I don’t know if we’ll ever actually perform.”

“I bet you will. That’s great news, Rae! I hope I can hear you sing someday.” Tix hugged one knee to her chest. She was glad Rae hadn’t asked her more about the hospital, and that she had avoided asking her why she’d done what she did. For the first time since the last time she’d talked to Rae before her collapse, she felt a spark of normalcy deep inside. She had a friend. “And Finn? How’re things with him?”

“Also surprisingly great. It’s … weird. I can’t figure out what it is he likes about me, well, I mean, we like the same music. But, I’m tryin’ to not freak out abou’ it.”

Tix reached out to touch Rae’s hand. “Rae, you’re so … bloody great. I’m not surprised at all that he likes you. Where is he today?”

Rae jerked her head in the direction of the front of the building. “Out front on his scooter. Told him to wait for me. Wanted to keep you to myself for awhile. Plus, I wasn’t sure if you were up to meeting new people.”

Tix pressed her lips against her knee thoughtfully, then said, “I’d like to meet him, if he wants to meet me, that is.”

Rae looked up, shocked but pleased. “Really? That–that’s great, Tix! Wait here, I’ll go get him!” She went to get the orderly to sign Finn in and came right back.

It took a few minutes, but when Finn pushed through the door and started walking towards them, Tix nudged Rae with her elbow and said under her breath, “So, have you committed any sex crimes yet?”

Rae blushed and murmured, “One or two.”

They were giggling by the time Finn got to where they were sitting.

“Oi, what ya laughin’ at? I jus’ got here!” Finn looked perplexed.

“Nothin’, sorry. Inside joke.” She gestured to her friend. “Finn, this is Tix.”

He smiled gently at Tix and said, “Hiya. Nice to properly meet ya. I’ve heard a lot of good things abou’ ya from Rae.”

Tix smiled at her lap. “Nice to meet you, Finn. I’ve heard quite a bit about you, too.”

Finn looked over at Rae, who was faintly blushing. He sometimes forgot that Rae had liked him for longer than he realized. It gave his heart an unexpected thrill to hear she really had been talking about him before that night on the street when he’d declared himself in writing.

Tix lowered her right foot down to the ground and now hugged her left knee to her chest. “Well, have a seat!” she implored. Finn looming over them made her nervous. He sat on the other side of the bench, with Tix in the middle. He looked at Rae and said, “Oh, our stuff is at the reception desk, by the way.”

Rae nodded. She was glad to hear her backpack wasn’t dangling off Finn’s bike seat unattended.

Tix turned her head to Finn and said, “Rae started tellin’ me ‘bout this band you’re in.”

Finn lit up, “Oh, yeah! It’s brilliant. Rae’s the lead singer and she’s fu–that is, she’s amazin’.”

Tix grinned at her friend. “I’m glad he came. I’m gettin’ the truth from him; you’re too modest for your own good.”

Finn nodded, “She is an’ all! I keep tellin’ her, but she don’t believe me.”

Rae smiled, but looked down, shaking her head.

The three of them chatted easily for another half-hour. There were plenty of pauses in the conversation, but none of them felt awkward. Rae tried to keep things light, remembering how she hated having to talk about her “progress” when her mum would come to visit her. Finn followed suit, and by the end of their visit, Tix actually felt better.

She walked the couple back to reception to get their things, and then stood at the window to watch as they drove off on Finn’s scooter, Rae waving over her shoulder as they pulled out. She had promised Tix it wouldn’t be another month before she came to visit her again, but Tix was just happy she’d come today. All she could handle right now was one day at a time. She hoped Rae would be back, of course, but her time in hospital showed her that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t even control herself, let alone the world or anyone in it. She wasn’t strong enough to really let go, but one of the first things she did at this place was to take off her shoes and her socks and dip her toes in the ornamental fountain out back. Just to show herself she could.

* * *

The last time the gang had gone to Rutland Waters, Rae hadn’t come with them. Finn didn’t know why, and at the time he didn’t much care. Much being the important word in that statement, because he did care a little. She’d only been hanging around the gang for a few weeks, and he found her to be too complicated for his tastes. She didn’t seem to care much for him, either, so he told himself to write her off. However, once the crowd had assembled that day, he found himself looking for her, and felt mildly disappointment when he remembered she wasn’t there.

Chop had brought a blindfold and announced a game. “Right you lot. It’s time for the main event! Ev’ryone get in a circle round me.” The large group was comprised of their gang, a number of lads they often hung out with, and some girls from their class. Finn lit a cigarette and rolled his eyes at Chop’s antics. Finn’s general attitude towards kissing up to this point was that if two people wanted to kiss, they should just do it. He’d never had a problem snogging anyone he wanted, though, and was too pragmatic to be overly shy. So, he hung back and let the others get on with it.

After witnessing a couple of rounds of the “game,” Finn decided to stretch his legs. He flicked his cigarette onto a pile of bricks and glanced around before he wandered off. He crossed the main road near where everyone had parked and headed into the woods. It was late July, and the trees were in full leaf, so it was really shaded, even in the early afternoon. He could hear the occasional car drone by behind him as he walked deeper into the woods, and even heard a the faint sound of what must have been particularly raucous laughter bubble up from the ever receding group at one point.

About a hundred yards from the road, Finn found himself in a small clearing, mostly shaded by trees. It was quiet. You couldn’t hear the cars or any people here. Finn flopped himself on some moss under a tree at the edge of the clearing. His boots stretched out away from him, and he leaned against the trunk, looking up through the branches. He’d never been one to commune with nature, but thought this was a really nice spot. He started to pull his cigarettes out of his pocket, but thought better of it, and just clasped his hands across his chest and took a deep breath. He turned his head to the side and, weirdly, a vision of Rae’s face flashed across his mind. He shook his head and settled back into the tree.

After a few minutes, he felt himself start to drift off, and thought he should probably get back to the group. For some reason, he didn’t want them looking for him here.

When he got back, Archie raised an eyebrow his way, as if to say, “Where’ve YOU been?” He shrugged in response and went over to lean against a wall and lit another cigarette. As he leaned against the wall, taking a deep drag of tobacco into his lungs, a girl came around the other side, smiling shyly in his direction. He thought her name was Juliet or something, but couldn’t quite remember. She approached him slowly, but intent was burning in her eyes. He looked over at her, and thought,  _Why not?_  He exhaled a stream of smoke as he leaned in to kiss her. She coughed a bit, but tried to maintain her composure, turning it into a giggle. That was enough to put him off, though, and he pulled himself out of the kiss, throwing her a cursory smile before going off to find his mates.

As they drove back, Chop ribbed him, “Saw you snoggin’ that Julia Fisher, Finn. She’s well hot! How was it?” Finn saw Izzy wince next to him, and just said, “Fine. She’s not really … my type.” As he casually tossed out the words to get Chop off his back, he realized they were true. But who was his type?

Finn found him replaying that day in his mind when Rae said they were going to Melton Mowbray on Saturday, because he knew that to get there, they had to drive right past the stretch of road where he’d found the clearing. His mind went to work on a plan, but he wanted it to be a surprise for Rae.

So, after they’d said goodbye to Tix and headed back, Rae was a little confused when Finn pulled off by some apparently uninhabited stretch of road twenty minutes later.

“Why’ve we stopped?” She looked around, confused, and said, “Where are we?”

Finn’s eyes looked mischievous behind his helmet and he raised eyebrows in a distracting manner. He took off his helmet and said, “You’ll see.”

When Rae stepped off the scooter, Finn looked up and down the road. Seeing no cars, he pushed his bike through the weeds at the side of the road to the edge of the woods.

He looked back and saw the confused look on Rae’s face. “So no one nicks my bike or worries that it’s been abandoned.” He beckoned her with his shoulder. “Come on, then!”

She smiled and followed him.

He opened the seat of his bike and pulled out a blanket and a bottle. It wasn’t an elaborate plan. Then, he reached back to take her hand.

They walked silently through the shaded wood. There were still leaves on the trees, but if they’d waited another week or two to visit Tix, it wouldn’t have been much of a spot for privacy. At least, not from any small aircraft.

At first, Finn wasn’t sure he’d come to the right area. He’d gauged his entrance to the woods from his memory of where they’d parked the cars months before. He was getting ready to turn to Rae and say she should pick a spot when he saw the glow of a break in the trees. He gripped Rae’s hand a little tighter and steered her towards the clearing.

She finally broke the silence and said, “This is beautiful, Finn. How’d ya find it?”

Finn just grinned and said, “You’re the first person I’ve brought here, if that’s what you’re askin’.” He spread the blanket out under the tree and patted the spot next to him.

Rae sat down next to him, a little shyly. She’d been hoping this would happen today, but didn’t let herself dwell on it too much. Now that they were here, and it was happening, she felt timid.

He opened the bottle, which was some kind of cheap screwtop red wine he’d grabbed from his parents’ cupboard, and handed it to Rae to have to the first drink. She took a swig and coughed. When she recovered, she chuckled and said, “Smooth!” Finn laughed and took a drink himself. He couldn’t stop himself from pulling a face at the taste. “Ugh, you’re right,” he capped the bottle and leaned it against the tree.

“It’s the thought that counts,” Rae said, and leaned over to kiss him. He was pleased that she initiated, because there was a small part of his brain that had been bricking it since Wednesday, thinking  _What if she doesn’t want to do it again?_

Their embrace intensified, and their hands were in each other’s hair, each of them shifting themselves forward to get as close as possible. Finn let go of the two fistfuls of her hair he had gathered and ran his hands down Rae’s back, pulling her even closer to him. She gasped for air, but plunged straight back into the kiss.

She started to lay back on the blanket, pulling Finn next to her, but Finn stayed sitting up. He gazed down at her, smiling at the sight of her, hair wild, cheeks flushed, chest heaving. Just then, a breeze blew through the clearing, and they both shivered. Stripping off completely outdoors wasn’t in the cards this late in the year. Rae started to sit up, but Finn put both hands on her shoulders, gently, but firmly. “No, stay there,” he said in a low voice. He started to unbutton her jeans, and she said, “Wait, what are you–” He leaned down and silenced her with a kiss, deftly undoing her zip at the same time.

He eased her jeans and knickers over her thighs, and she winced. He felt her tense up, and said, “Don’t worry, relax.” She tried exhaling slowly and tried to unclench. He lightly traced a couple of her scars with his fingertips. Then, he worked her pants down to her knees and asked, “Are you okay? Do you need to shift down?”

She breathed deeply and said, in a high voice, “No, I’m fine.” He went to move his head between her legs and she said, “What are you doin’? You don’t have to do that.”

He looked up at her, his hair falling in his eyes, “I want to,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Oh,” was all she could manage to say before his tongue got to work. For the first few minutes, she was really worried. Maybe she tasted gross? But, if that were true, would he be down there for this long, his tongue plunging deeper and deep– _oh GOD_  she thought. Coherent thoughts left her brain. She just focused on his tongue and how good it felt. Her hips were twitching back and forth of their own accord, she couldn’t have stopped them if she tried. Finn’s fingers dug into her hips. She had a vague feeling that she should be doing something for him, or to him, but soon it was washed away by wave after wave of sensation. She moaned through closed lips, but then remembered they were in the middle of the woods, and opened her mouth to crow out loud. She lifted her hips off the ground and Finn adjusted himself to support her. She shouted Finn’s name once, and he sped up his tongue even more. The feeling was indescribable and Rae couldn’t stop herself from laughing with joy.

Finn lifted his head to make sure she was okay. “Ev’rythin’ alright?” he asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Rae opened her mouth to speak and another trill of laughter came out, before she gasped, “That–that was–I can’t even–” She waved her hand to show that there were no words. Finn smiled as he crawled to lay next to her, propping himself up on his elbow to admire the color he’d put in her cheeks. “Glad you enjoyed it.”

Rae shifted to look Finn in the eye. “Do you … want me … to …?” she gestured to Finn’s fly. He shook his head. “Nah, I want the real thing this time. And I don’t know if we have time to wait for a second show.” He leaned over to kiss her, and she could taste herself on his lips. That’s not so bad, she thought, relieved.

As they kissed, Rae’s hands found their way under Finn’s shirt and they roamed over the expanse of his back. Then she experimented by lightly scratching his back, which he seemed to like, his back arching. He guided his hands under her shirt and found that she’d worn a front-closure bra. He smiled into her mouth and unhooked it in one motion, taking a breast in each of his hands, his thumbs caressing her nipples. She moaned and moved her hands to undo his belt and take off his pants. She grasped him in her hand and he sighed. “Easy,” he breathed.

“Sorry,” she said instinctively.

“I was talkin’ to myself,” he replied, reaching into his back pocket for a condom.

“Oh!” He handed the packet to her and she unwrapped it, handing it back to him.

“No, you put it on,” he breathed.

Rae moved back a bit to see what she was doing, making sure it was positioned right before she slowly rolled it down the length of his shaft. He bit his lip and muffled a moan. Then, they looked deep into each other’s eyes as they joined. Finn’s arms were pressing into the blanket on either side of Rae. She had wrapped her legs around him and her hips were moving in tandem with his thrusts. Finn leaned deeply into her with the next push and Rae’s breathing became quick and shallow. “Rae!” he shouted. “I–” he started to speak, but couldn’t form words. They moved against each other faster and faster, and Rae couldn’t take everything in. Her senses were overwhelmed. Then Finn’s body seemed to freeze, and his head went back. He said her name again and again, and Rae’s body tingled from her core outward.

Finn withdrew and collapsed next to Rae. He smiled at her, and asked, “How was it?”

She nodded in earnest. “Brilliant,” she panted. “Different from the first time, and even different from when you–” she gestured to her lady garden. “But they were all … brilliant!” She bit her lip. “And, how are y–”

“FUCKIN’ BRILLIANT!” Finn shouted as loud as he could.

She jumped, startled, and then began to laugh. “AMAZING!!!” she yelled. They both laughed as they pulled their jeans back on and rearranged themselves.

“And now for the best part,” Finn put his arms around her and she leaned into his chest. He kissed the top of her head and she draped her arm across his waist. They stayed like that for a few moments, before Rae lifted her head slightly to ask, “You don’t really think this is the best part?”

Finn nodded. “Don’ get me wrong. I fuckin’ LOVE the other bit, but it happens pretty fast and ya don’t have time to … what’s the word I want?” He looked down at Rae, hoping she’d know what he meant. “Savor?” she offered. He knew she’d know what he wanted to say. “Yeah,” he replied softly. “This is the part I … savor.” He sighed. “But. Ya don’t get this part without havin’ sex, so I guess they’re equally the best.”

She sighed into his chest and squeezed her arms around his waist. “How the fuck did I get so lucky?” she wondered aloud.

“You were you,” Finn said. “Just my type.” Rae thought she was going to swoon herself into unconsciousness right then and there when another breeze blew through. Finn held her closer and said, “Let’s just stay like this for awhile. Maybe till it starts to get dark.” Rae nodded and whispered, “Okay.”


	7. Swings and Roundabouts

Finn drove Rae back home at dusk. It was cold, but they had fresh memories to keep them warm on the short ride back to Stamford.

Finn had started to get off his bike to walk Rae to her front door, but she pressed a firm hand onto his shoulder. “I’ll be fine.” He took off his helmet and she leaned in to kiss him.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah?” he said when she pulled her head away.

“Yeah, cool,” she said, smiling.

When she got to the door, she looked back at him and he nodded before revving the engine and driving away.

She opened the door and leaned against it once she was inside. She felt like doing another victory dance, but just looked up at the ceiling and grinned like a loon.

Hearing movement in the kitchen, she composed herself and took a deep breath before calling out. “Hello? I’m back!”

“Hiya, love! How was your visit with Tix? We were expectin’ ya back a bit earlier!” Linda shouted.

Rae’s shoulders slumped and she shuffled into the kitchen. “The visit went really well, actually. I was nervous at first, bu’ we seemed to cheer her up.”

“Oh, so Finn went in an’ all?” Linda dried her hands on a tea towel. “That were nice of him.”

Rae huffed with annoyance, but decided it wasn’t worth fighting about. “Yeah, Tix wanted to meet him, and he was just sitting outside doing nowt, so …”

“And where’ve you been since you left the hospital?” Linda’s voice didn’t have much of an edge, but the question was accusatory enough.

“We jus’ stopped near Rutland Waters to take a walk in the woods. It was such a nice day, we didn’t want to waste it.” She flashed a fleeting smile at her mother.

Linda’s eyes narrowed, like she wasn’t sure whether to believe Rae, or press her for further details. She hung the tea towel on the peg next to the stove and asked, “Have you eaten?”

She hadn’t, and being reminded caused a sharp pang in her stomach. “Nah, but I’m not that hungry.” Linda stared at Rae, unconvinced. “Well, maybe I’ll have some toast,” Rae conceded.

“There’s leftover casserole, and Mrs. Dewhurst brought over some homemade custard tarts.” Rae’s stomach churned. “If you’re interested, that is.”

She hated the way it seemed like admitting defeat to ever say she was hungry, even in her own home. She felt the whole world believed fat people always felt ravenous but never deserved to. Even her mum, who’d had her fair share of struggles with the scale, seemed to judge her. It was fucked up to be addicted to something you needed to survive.

Rae looked down, thinking, Not two minutes ago, I was on top of the fucking world, but I walk into this house and I immediately feel crazy. She took a deep breath and said, “Thanks, Mum. I’ll have a bit of casserole.”

“Mind you don’t make a mess of this kitchen; I’ve just finished cleanin’ it.”

Does every conversation have to be a struggle? Rae thought, but only said, “I won’t.”

Linda flashed a quick smile at her daughter and went to join Karim in the lounge.

When she’d gone, Rae sighed. It was like the heart to heart she had with her mother at the reception had never happened. Her mum was just as paranoid and annoying as before. It was probably hard to break the patterns of a lifetime, Rae mused as she spooned some casserole into a dish before sticking it in the microwave for three minutes.

Why did time slow down when you were microwaving something? It was supposed to be so much faster than actually cooking from scratch, but it always seemed interminable. Rae rocked on her heels, leaning against the counter. She shook off the conversation with her mother and cast her mind back to the idyllic afternoon with Finn. It was starting to feel like she’d dreamt it. The light had been golden, and the air so crisp, she actually thought that it couldn’t have been real.

The microwave beeped insistently, and she pulled her food out. She glanced at the little table in the kitchen. It seemed too depressing to sit there in silence and eat alone. She’d done it too many times before the incident. She heard her mum and Karim laughing in the lounge and she winced. She didn’t want to go in there and try to eat with them pawing at each other, either. So, she called out, “Mum, I’m goin’ to eat in my room, okay?”

Linda yelled back, “Fine, jus’ don’t leave your dishes up there to congeal, Rachel Earl! Bring ‘em back down when you’re finished!”

Rae tried not to seethe and headed up to her room.

She put on the Stone Roses and sat at her desk. She tried to chew each bite twenty times, like she’d read in that copy of Woman’s Own she’d flipped through while waiting for Chloe at the clinic. When she finished, she pulled her diary out of her bag and hesitated before starting to write about the events of the day. There was still a part of her that was nervous the diary would be found and actually read. And she didn’t want to jinx things by dissecting them. However, she knew she had to record what had happened so she’d never forget the amazing days she had with Finn. She figured they would probably end sooner than she liked, and maybe the memories would sustain her when Finn was gone.

* * *

The phone rang just after ten the next morning. Rae had just finished getting dressed and practically skipped over to answer it.

“Hello?” she said hopefully.

“Hiya,” said Chloe.

“Oh, hi!” Rae replied, surprised. “What’s up?”

“Nothin’ much, just wondered if you could tear yourself away from Finn for a few hours and spend time with your oldest friend. Mum and Dad have gone to a christening in Peterborough and they won’t be back for hours. I just thought we could catch up … we never really get a chance to talk at school or band practice …”

“Alrigh’, alrigh’! You’ve twisted my arm!” Rae chuckled. “Finn and I don’t have any plans, so I’ll let him know I’ll be hangin’ at your place for a while today. Happy?”

“Yes, I’m happy. When do you want to come by?”

“I’ll be there by … eleven?”

“Cool. See you soon.”

“Bye.” Rae replaced the receiver and sighed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Chloe, but she didn’t want to disappoint Finn. Chloe did have a point, though. They hadn’t talked properly in weeks.

She picked the phone back up and dialed Finn.

He answered with the same hopeful hello she had. “Mornin’,” she smiled into the phone.

“How are you?” he asked, concern in every syllable.

“Phenomenal,” Rae assured him. “How’re you?”

“Bloody brilliant,” he said. “What d’ya want to do today?”

“Ah. Right. Thing is …” Rae began hesitantly. “Chloe kind of beat ya to the punch this mornin’. I told her I’d go over and hang out with her for awhile today. I have kind of neglected her. But, this afternoon?”

Finn had wrapped the phone cord around his hand several times and his fingers were turning white. He noticed this and shook the cord off. “Yeah. No problem.”

She could hear the disappointment in his voice, and while she didn’t like to, she was gratified that she had the power to make anyone, especially Finn, sad not to see her. “Since I’m the one causin’ the delay, why don’t you decide what we do?”

“Jus’ come over to mine and we’ll listen to music.” Same as they usually did, but it would never get old.

“Can’t wait,” Rae said, truthfully.

Finn went back to his room and flopped on his bed. He stared up at his Oasis poster and sighed.  

* * *

Rae leaned against the side Chloe’s bed and marvelled, not for the first time, at how pink her room was. Chloe had been talking for about twenty minutes straight; Rae lucky to throw in a “Oh, yeah?” or “Uh-huh” every now and then. It was all about boys, which ones Chloe fancied and which ones she knew fancied her but she didn’t like that way.

“It’s jus’ like, should I waste myself on a sixth former, or should I hold out for someone older?” Chloe paused here for breath, and it took Rae a minute to realize she actually wanted an answer.

“Well, I don’t have to remind you wha’ happened the last time you went for someone older, Chlo.”

Chloe looked down at her pink duvet and frowned. “Yeah, I s’pose you’re right.”

Rae reached back and patted Chloe’s hand in a way she hoped would be comforting. Chloe put on a brave smile and said, “Sorry, I’ve been prattlin’ on forever. I really want to know how things’re goin’ with you and Finn!” She flopped forward on her mattress and propped her chin on her hands. “Soooo?” she asked.

“Things’ve been … really great,” Rae started. She didn’t know how much to tell Chloe. “It’s kind of hard to believe he likes me.” Chloe, who had been in shock when Rae had told her she kissed Archie, surprised Rae by being reassuring: “You two were, like, what’s the word? Inevitable.”

Rae looked over at her, skeptical. “What d’ya mean?”

Chloe looked up, searching for the right words. “I can’t explain it, but once you two got together, it was like, we all thought ‘Of COURSE.’ Y’know?”

Rae shook her head, but smiled.

Chloe raised her eyebrows. “Well? Have you two … you know?”

Fair’s fair, thought Rae. “Yeah. A couple of times.”

“A COUPLE? You’re a dark horse.” Chloe felt a little sad that her friend hadn’t dragged her into the ladies room at the pub and spilled the news immediately, but the fact that she hadn’t just further illustrated their differences.

“Yeah, well, I would have told you earlier, bu’ … I dunno. I kind of wanted to keep it jus’ between me and Finn for a bit.”

Chloe narrowed her eyes. “He didn’t ask you to keep quiet, did he?” She thought of her older sister and that twat Duane she’d “dated” for six months.

“No, nothing like that! It was just, special. I didn’t want to ruin it by talkin’ about it with everyone. I thought it’d be like tellin’ what I wished for on my birthday candles.”

“Well, how was it?”

Rae looked down, a small smile played on her lips.

“Y’don’t have to give me the gory details,” Chloe sighed.

“Amazin’.” Rae said. “It’s bloody amazin’.”

Chloe subconsciously felt an item being added to the list of things she envied about Rae: An amazing first time with someone that cared about her. She smiled at Rae and said, “That’s great!” and in the next breath, “So, does this mean you’re on the pill, too?”

Rae stared at her, “No! Though, I guess I could ask Dr. Nick …” She’d heard things about the pill, not just about it making you put on weight, but that it messed with your moods. Her moods were already a mess; she didn’t want to take one pill to make her less crazy just to take another that would undo the first. “We’re bein’ careful, anyway.”

“Yeah, but guys don’t always like to use condoms. Ya need a backup plan, Rae.” Chloe placed her hand on Rae’s shoulder, looking her in the eye. “Trust me, yeah?”

Rae nodded numbly. She certainly could trust Chloe–trust her to take all the magic and fun out of anything good that happened to her. As if she weren’t spooked enough, now she would be worrying every time they did it that Finn wasn’t enjoying himself, just waiting for the chance to impregnate her and then dump her.

“Yeah, thanks.” She looked at her watch. She hadn’t said what time she’d be at Finn’s, but decided to make her exit. “Oh, I told Finn I’d be over at his by one!” She stood up. “This has been fun, though.”

Chloe was taken aback, but tried to hide her surprise. “Yeah, glad ya could come over. See ya tomorrow at school, alright?”

Rae nodded and saw herself out.

* * *

Sunday afternoon at Finn’s was fine. Good, even. Well, wonderful, but she couldn’t keep using superlatives for every time they hung out. Rae didn’t bring up her conversation with Chloe. They just listened to records, made out (his parents were home and his dad kept popping his head in to check on them, so they didn’t push it), talked about new songs for the band, and finally, just sort of stared at each other while holding hands. Rae was self-conscious at first, but Finn’s face was so … gorgeous was the only word for it … that she couldn’t help staring back. She eventually forgot that Finn must have been looking at her the same way, and just focused on the golden brown flecks in his eyes and the tiny freckles on his nose, while he stared at her full lips and long eyelashes. They allowed themselves to get lost in each other for a little while.

The spell was broken when Finn murmured, “You’re so … I guess beautiful’s the only word … bu’ it doesn’t mean enough.”

Rae’s reply was too quick. “No, I’m not. I mean, thanks, but I know I’m not … what you said.”

Finn’s eyes flashed with frustration. “Yes, you are. I dunno why every time I say somethin’ nice to you, you hafta … dismiss it. Ya just … it’s so …” Finn broke her gaze, looking away. “I don’t even know how to talk to ya about this stuff.”

Rae heard Kester’s voice in her head: “I want you to look in the mirror every day, and no matter how many things you see that you don’t like about yourself, I want you to say something positive.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Finn. This is new to me. I don’t normally get compliments, so I jus’ …” She sighed. “Maybe if you … kept it smaller. Specific? Like, what’s one thing you like abou’ … how I … look.” She squirmed, but sat up straighter, keeping her eyes cast downward.

Finn shifted to appraise her, though he could tell how hard this was for her. “Jus’ one thing? That’s goin’ to be tough.”

She started to scoff, but then breathed deep and held that breath for a long minute. “Quick! Jus’ anythin’.” She glanced up for a second and saw Finn’s eyes on her chest. “Oi!”

His eyes flicked up to her face, scanning over her features, but stopped on her mouth. “Your lips,” Finn said, matter-of-factly.

“Yeah?”

“They’re jus’ so … kissable.” And then, he leaned over to do just that.

* * *

Monday morning, Rae walked into the music room for choir practice feeling pretty good. She still wasn’t completely comfortable about her relationship with Finn, but she was starting to loosen up and let her guard down a bit. Between Finn and the band, she felt stronger. So, it was upsetting, but not that surprising, to find a group of four girls standing in a circle, talking about her. She actually felt a rush of familiarity. This was how it was supposed to be, and for the last few weeks she’d just been shutting out all the bullshit. This time, the bullshit was too blatant to ignore.

“I jus’ do NOT get it. Like, Finn could get any girl in this school to crawl around behind him on all fours, and he goes out with HER.”

“Yeah, she’s, like, enormous. Maybe he’s scared of her. Maybe she, like, beats him up and he’s afraid to break it off wi’ her!”

“Or, maybe it’s like a bet. Although the prize would have to be pretty fuckin’ sweet, am I right?”

“There’s always the possibility that’s she’s a slut. I wouldn’t have thought it of her, but it has to be summat like that … I mean, he couldn’t  _actually_  be  _attracted_  to her.”

“Yeah, she must give good head, and he jus’ keeps his eyes shut the whole time, thinking abou’ anyone else!”

The gaggle of girls broke into gales of laughter. The one facing Rae’s direction, Victoria, looked up, and her face dropped. She hadn’t made a remark, but had laughed just as loud as the rest of them. She cleared her throat significantly and raised her eyebrows towards the door. The other three turned around to look and when they saw Rae standing there clutching her backpack, two had a look of fear flash across their faces, before they remembered they were higher up on the food chain. The third girl, their ring leader Valerie, sneered at the sight of Rae and said, “Speak of the devil.”

Rae froze. She didn’t know whether to turn around and walk out, or to sit down and hope class started in two seconds. She shuddered to think what her face must look like; she couldn’t hide what she was thinking if someone promised to pay her a hundred thousand pounds.

Valerie took a step closer to Rae. “We were jus’ talkin’ about ya,” she said, cocking her head to one side, threateningly.

Rae’s feistiness kicked in. She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I heard. What an honor. I didn’t think you lot would waste your breath talkin’ about little ol’ me.”

Valerie scoffed. “Yeah, right. LITTLE.” She looked at her crew and they all snickered appreciatively.

“You’re right, Val, I’m not little.” Rae strode past her and sat down, heart racing. “If I WERE, ya wouldn’t be discussin’ my love life, like it’s any of your business.”

Valerie narrowed her eyes. “Finn Nelson has never dated anyone for more than a month, so I’d say you’re overdue for being dumped.” She smiled sourly. “Jus’ a friendly warning.”

Rae grinned in reply. “Yeah, but I bet none of his other girlfriends ever threatened him with violence. He knows not to step out of line.” All four girls looked at each other, aghast. Rae widened her eyes and took a tiny step towards them. “Yeah, you guessed right. I learned that’s the only way for me to keep a man … brute force. I’d tell you to have him show ya the bruises on his stomach sometime, but then I’d have to smash up the lot of ya.” She smacked a fist into her other palm.

Rae honestly didn’t know what had come over her. It was as if a switch had flipped inside her, and she realized she didn’t give a flying fuck about these girls and their grubby opinions. She was still shaking, but she knew that she would be fine. Six months ago, this would have sent her into a downward spiral. Maybe she was getting better.

Ms. McTavish swept into the room, swishing her long skirts in the process. She clapped her hands for order. “Sit down, sit down, we’ve got to run through everything today for the Winter Concert. We’re doing a preview at Assembly next week.”

The four girls walked across the room, away from Rae, and sat down, glowering at her as Ms. McTavish carried on. “And I need to choose two soloists for the Handel. Rae, Victoria, could you stay behind for a few minutes after rehearsal? I’ll write you each a pass.”

Rae looked up, stricken. Her eyes widened, but she eventually forced her head into a nod before picking up her folder and opening it to the first song.

* * *

At lunch that day, Rae was suspiciously quiet. Finn kept writing questions on her right thigh.

E V E R Y T H I N G O K ? She nodded once.

W H A T S U P ? She shook her head.

Finally, he tried a statement.

T E L L M E. She shrugged.

He decided to use his words, and whispered in her ear. “Rae, you’re actin’ really strange. I’m worried abou’ ya. What’s goin’ on?”

“Just had a bad choir rehearsal is all. Well, the rehearsal was okay, bu’ … oh, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine if … can we just drop the subject.” She pushed her food around on her tray.

“I’m not droppin’ it. Tell me what happened.” Finn ducked his head to make eye contact with her. “Well?”

“Oh, it was jus’ some stupid girls takin’ the piss out of me … abou’ you. Said you couldn’t actually like me and bollocks like that.”

“Who?” Finn demanded in a voice much louder than he meant.

Rae whispered back, since Archie, Izzy and Chloe all looked up. “Shut up! It doesn’t matter.”

He stared back at her, unwavering.

She sighed. “Fine, Valerie and her pals. Bu’ I sort of told them off, so it prob’ly won’t happen again.”

Finn couldn’t mask his surprise. “What’d ya say?”

Rae smirked. “Well, I …” She let out a laugh. “I told them that I threatened to beat you up if you didn’t date me. In fact, I sort of said I already had.”

Finn frowned, but then started laughing even harder than Rae. The rest of the gang all looked confused.

Chloe said, “What’s goin’ on over there? Let us in on it!”

Finn tried to speak, but started coughing. “I’m a–” He shook his head. “Apparently, I’m a battered man!”

Chloe and Izzy looked at each other confused. “What’re ya talkin’ about?”

“Ya’ve gotta help me! She’s a beast!” He doubled over laughing once again, and Rae rolled her eyes. She looked around to see if they were starting to draw attention, and saw Valerie, Victoria and their two friends staring over at them in disbelief. Rae gave them a smirk.

When Finn was recovered, Rae leaned over and said, “There was one other thing, actually.”

“Yeah?” He wiped his eye. “What’s that?”

“Ms. McTavish asked me to sing a solo at the Winter Concert. I wasn’t sure at first, but–”

“What d’ya mean, ya weren’t sure? You’ll be brilliant!” Finn grabbed her into a hug and simultaneously asked the rest of the gang, “Did ya hear? Rae’s singin’ a solo!”

Everyone smiled and Archie said, “Good one, Rae!”

Rae allowed herself a smile and thought back to what her life was like six months ago, when Vicious Valerie could have done some real damage. Things were so different now. She had a whole group of friends, who had her back and supported her. She had Kester to moan to about the stuff she couldn’t talk about with her friends. And she had Finn. She was getting better, no maybe about it.

* * *

Apart from the incident in choir, school was just school. It was something everyone in the band, save Chop, was doing because they had to, but none of them were happy about it. Even Archie, who’d always been something of a swot, was getting impatient with his classes. They were all just marking time until band practice.

And then, two weeks after the visit to Tix, Archie made an announcement at practice.

“Before we get started, I was in the pub last night,” he began.

“Yeah, we all were, mate!” Chop shouted. “Tha’s hardly breakin’ news!”

“Well, on my way back from the loo, I got chattin’ with the owner, and they’re havin’ a local band showcase at the end of the month.”

Rae’s breath caught in her throat. This was the moment she’d been secretly dreading.

“What d’ya reckon? I said we’d let him know soon.” Archie looked around, gauging everyone’s reactions.

Finn and Chop were nodding vigorously. “Sounds great!” said Finn.

Izzy was also excited, even more than usual. “Oh my god! That’s so fantastic!”

Chloe smiled wide, nervous but excited. She glanced over at her best friend and saw the terror flash in Rae’s eyes. She gave Rae what she hoped was a comforting smile.

Finn caught the exchange out of the corner of his eye, and asked, “Rae, wha’ abou’ you? How’d ya feel about it?”

Rae took a deep breath. She debated whether to lie, but opted for the truth. “I think it sounds great. I’m brickin’ it a bit, but we’ve got a couple of weeks, right, Archie?” Archie nodded quickly. “Frankly, I’m more worried about the solo for choir. I’m gonna have to sing in front of those cows who slagged me off.”

Finn shifted uncomfortably in his seat, furrowing his brow. “Fuck ‘em, Rae, you’re worth a hundred of them.”

Rae’s eyes softened as she looked at him. “Thanks, Finn.”

“It’s true!” he said, before chewing on his cuticle.

Archie brought the band back to order. “Okay, then, we’re agreed! We’ve got to start learnin’ some more songs. I don’t know how many bands will be there, and I think the manager wants it to fill the evenin’.”

“What abou’ somethin’ by 10000 Maniacs?” Izzy wondered aloud. “I mean, they’ve got a female singer.”

Rae and Archie shrugged at each other. “Trouble Me?” Rae asked. “That’s not a  _bad_  song.”

Archie made his suggestion. “Or Candy Everybody Wants? Oh, but that has horns.”

“We could do their version of Everyday is like Sunday,” Finn offered.

Rae nodded. “Yeah, I like that idea!”

“It always comes back to Morrissey with you two, doesn’t it?” Archie rolled his eyes, but grinned.

Chloe looked up from her bass and said, “Morrissey? He’s the lead singer of The Smiths, right?” She smiled as she clocked the disbelief on Finn and Rae’s faces.

As Finn and Rae fell about, Archie said, “Okay, okay! Right, let’s try it once …”


	8. A Session and a Song

Things had been going well.  _Too_  well, if Rae was honest with herself. She didn’t get names shouted at her in the street anymore. Big G must have put the word out to lay off. She’d actually handled those bitches at school without much incident. They still shot her dirty looks in choir, but didn’t make any more remarks within her earshot. The band was really starting to come together. They nearly had a full set of songs down pat. Tix had started talking to her on the phone when she called. And, of course, Finn. It was both a miracle and a mystery how things with him could be so great.

So, in typical Rae fashion, when things got good, she had to test them. It was like that poem they read in English class that ended, “Nothing gold can stay.” She thought,  _If all things end, maybe, at least, I can choose when_.

Through her sessions with Kester, she had discovered that one of her major issues was control. So many things in her life were out of her control: her home life, how she was treated at school, her socio-economic background (sometimes Kester got a little fancy), how she was perceived by strangers, and on and on. Food, when and where and how she consumed it, was something she could control.

She stumbled on a memory while talking things over with Kester. When she was younger, maybe twelve, she’d caught one of her mum’s boyfriends eyeing up her chest. She’d started developing early, and it took a lot of effort to convince her mum to take her bra shopping after Chloe told her in the loo at school that everyone was talking about her breasts. Boys AND girls were having entire conversations about how she needed to get some foundation garments. Brilliant.

But, when she’d gotten her first bra (she was able to skip the training variety and go straight into a B cup), it only made them more appealing for boys to look at. And men, apparently. She’d been so aghast, so shocked, but all she could do was cross her arms over them and slump down deeper into her chair. Duane, that was his name, realized she’d caught him and looked away guiltily. Maybe he hadn’t even known he was doing it until it was too late, but the damage had been done.

In a way, it would have been easier to explain if someone predatory had done something concretely salacious to her. But no. It was just her uncanny understanding of situations, even at the age of twelve, her keen observational eye, the one that told her, “If you keep on this path, you’re going to be in for some trouble,” that subconsciously guided her to keep eating after she was satisfied. It wasn’t hard to gain weight. She was one of the tallest kids in her class, and grew to her full height by thirteen. So, she simply kept eating like she was still growing three inches a year and before she knew it … sixteen and half stone. Now, she  _could_  control what people thought of her. With enough Rae-made armor, she could repel those creepy men (and, with them, any boys her age). Or so she thought.

Her walls hadn’t been thick enough to keep Finn out. Of course, he’d had to get to know her. She wasn’t so stupid as to think it had been love at first sight. For one thing, he’d acted like a complete knobhead to her in the beginning. He’d admitted to being “a bit of a dick” when they first met. Rae interpreted these things to mean that he loved her in spite of her body, not because of it.

However, if she had bothered to ask Finn what he thought, instead of presuming to know, she would have found out that he was pretty sure he HAD been attracted to her from the start. It was a revisionist reading of the situation, but when he thought back, he remembered thinking the green army jacket she was wearing the first time he saw her was incredibly cool. It definitely put Chloe’s white pleather affair in the shade.

When he saw her stuck in the slide at the pool party, his heart had been in his throat. A little of that was because of her scars. A little more was because of the look of mortification he clocked on her face when she’d stopped halfway. (Even though he knew she wasn’t actually stuck; you just don’t try to go down a pool slide in a dry bathing suit.) But there was this bigger, unknown component that make his breath catch. Maybe it was the fact that she was brave enough to take off her dressing gown and go down that slide, as he’d long since figured out she was trying to hide herself away in that robe and wicker swing. Maybe it was the curve of her thighs under those scars, which he was starting to think maybe he found more pleasing than some of the practically scrawny girls he’d gone out with before. Maybe it was the joke she cracked to Chop, which broke most of the tension, but only made his curiosity about her keener.

And, a little later, when they’d sat next to each other in the ridiculous sauna Chloe’s mother had insisted on building, Rae was totally fixated on Archie and didn’t think much of it when Finn’s leg had brushed against hers. But he’d felt … strange about it. Which was probably why he’d felt strange when she and Archie went out on that date, and stranger still when he found out they had kissed.

The reason he had all of these insights into their relationship was a secret he hadn’t told Rae yet: Finn had started going to therapy.

Ever since he found out that she saw a therapist, he always made a point to ask how it went. He didn’t really know what happened in therapy, didn’t even know the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Or that Kester was a garden variety therapist, without a PhD. However, after a bit, he started asking Rae how therapy made her feel.

“Usually I jus’ feel better. Lighter. Like I’ve unpacked some of the bullshit I’ve been holdin’ onto.”

He never asked if she talked about him. He knew enough to know about doctor-patient confidentiality. And though he probably couldn’t have put it into words, he figured if Rae was talking about him to Kester, it was something she needed to work out, and none of his business, anyway.

So, when he decided to try a session with a counselor, it was really just to get a better idea of what Rae experienced. But, after the initial session where he didn’t even say all that much, really, just explained why he wanted to try it and a little about Rae and their relationship, he left feeling exactly like Rae described–lighter. So he kept going.

A little over a week before their first gig, Finn thought Rae had started acting a little … off. She sort of shut down around him. She started coming up with excuses why she couldn’t come over to his house, but if he came around to hers, she didn’t send him away, just sighed as she let him in. It was almost as if …

“I think she’s tryin’ to push me away, but doesn’t want me to figure it out.”

His therapist, Kathy, nodded. “Why do you think that?”

“Because, well, like, nothin’ major has happened to make her act this way. In fact, until a few days ago, things were goin’ … great. I mean, really great. And then, like, a switch flipped or somethin’ and now she hardly talks to me when we hang out.”

Kathy threaded her fingers together and said, “Didn’t you say once before that she mentioned getting worried when things started to feel good? Maybe she’s reacting this way BECAUSE things were so good.”

Finn nodded. “You’re right! But how do I … is there anything I can do? To make her know that I’m not gonna … do what her dad did?”

“You can try talking to her, but don’t be surprised or angry if she doesn’t want to. It might be that she feels she can’t talk about the heavy stuff with you. I can’t say for sure that’s the case, of course. You could also try doing something nice for her. Sort of, actions are louder than words, you know?”

Finn nodded. A thought came to him so quickly, he couldn’t stop his eyes from widening with inspiration. “I’ve got it!” he exclaimed. “D’ya mind if we cut this session short, Dr. Kathy?”

“It’s just Ka–” she sighed. “Not at all. Good luck!” she called after him as he grabbed his leather jacket and sprinted out the door.

* * *

Rae sat on her bed and stared out her window at the gray sky. It was getting dark out, but she didn’t mind. However, once dusk stole most of the light out of the sky, Rae leaned over and turned on the lamp next to her bed. She winced at the brightness for a second, then flopped herself up off the bed and sat down at her desk.

She opened a notebook and started to write an essay for her English class. She had decided to compare some of her favorite song lyrics to actual poetry, and had just started writing when she heard … music? At least, she thought it was music. Was that on the telly? She cocked her head to one side, trying to figure out where it was coming from. She hadn’t left her stereo on … It was just guitar and … She stood up.

Looking out the window and down at the pavement and she saw Finn. Strumming a guitar and singing something she couldn’t quite make out. When she opened the window, she heard the unmistakable tune in mid-lyric:

> “I’m sure you’ve heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
> 
> I don’t believe that Aaanybody feels the way I do about you no-ow”

Tears sprang to her eyes. She used one hand to wipe those that had fallen off her face, and the other to wave at Finn to stop. He smiled and kept right on. Soon enough, he came to:

> “There are many things that I would like to say to you
> 
> But I don’t know hoooowww
> 
> Because maaaybeeee
> 
> You’re gonna be the one that saaaves meeeee
> 
> And after aaaaallll
> 
> You’re my wonderwaaaallll”

Rae finally composed herself enough to hiss out the window. “Okay! If I say thank you will you stop? The neighbors have prob’ly called the cops!”

Finn stopped playing, having sung what he wanted to sing. The rest of the song was great, but only repeated the sentiments he’d already expressed.

“Are you comin’ down, or am I comin’ up?” he called.

“I’m comin’ down,” she smiled.

As she shut her window, she saw Mrs. Dewhurst smiling at her from across the street. When she saw Rae, she winked.

Rae opened the door and shivered slightly. It was definitely autumn, there was no doubt of that. She paused for a second to grab her jacket before walking out to meet Finn. The bravado he’d felt while singing had faded a bit, and he looked down, biting his lip, as she approached.

“Hi,” she murmured. She felt shy and inadequate. She didn’t deserve to be serenaded. She’d just spent the last few days acting distant and disinterested.

“Hi,” he replied, just as quietly.

“That was pretty … gallant.”

Finn shuffled his feet together while examining his shoes. “Well, I jus’ thought I’d tell ya, in case ya didn’t already know. Or, in case ya’d forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?” she asked in a whisper.

He took a breath. “That I love ya.”

“Finn–” She felt the tears begin to well up again.

“However,” he began, sensing she was about to disintegrate, “it’s not a free serenade.”

“It’s not? Whad’ya mean?” She sniffed and raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“Well …” He hoisted the acoustic guitar he’d been playing over his head and held it out for her to take. It wasn’t until then that she noticed it wasn’t the guitar Finn normally played. “Ya’ve gotta return the favor.” She looked at him skeptically.

“It’s for you, Rae. I got ya your own guitar. All I ask is that ya learn one song on it … whatever ya want … and play it for me.” He gestured with the guitar for her to take it. She reached out gingerly and grasped it by the neck.

“Finn …” she started, dangerously close to crying again.

He took the guitar from her hand and put it in its case, which was open on the pavement. Then, he wrapped her in a hug. “It’s only a cheap one to learn on.” She didn’t hug back at first, but then he felt her arms start to curl around his back, and she buried her face in his shoulder. They stayed like that for several moments until Rae hiccuped. Finn leaned back and grasped both her shoulders. “Ya alrigh’?” he asked.

She hiccuped again and rolled her eyes. She started to laugh, but that was soon interrupted by another hiccup. Now Finn was laughing, too.

“I’ve  ***hic***  worked myself up  ***hic***  into a right  ***hic***  state!” Rae exclaimed.

“Take some deep breaths.” Finn advised. “Or, no! Hold your breath and pinch your nose!”

Rae tried both and after another minute, they went away on their own. She looked up at Finn, when she was fairly certain they were gone for good. “I can really ruin a moment, huh?” she chuckled.

Finn shook his head. “Nah. The hiccups made the moment. Now we’ll REALLY never forget tonight.”

Rae leaned over to kiss him. Their embrace had just deepened when Rae’s mum opened the door and called out, “Rachel Earl! You two are putting everyone off their tea! Come in the house, ya daft pair!”

Rae and Finn froze, then started laughing into each other’s mouths. They pulled apart and each glared at Linda with only a modicum of menace. Rae thought,  _Like she has any room to talk about putting people off their food._

Finn picked up the guitar case with one hand and grabbed Rae’s clenched fist with the other. As they walked into the house, Finn mumbled, “Come on, then. I’ll show you some basic chords.” He grinned. “I’m expectin’ repayment soon.”


	9. The Big Gig

“Ya did WHAT, mate?” Chop gave Finn an incredulous look. “Yer gonna make the rest of us look bad.” He glanced over from the bar to their regular table, where Izzy and Rae were deep in conversation, wearing those gushy faces girls got when a bloke did something romantic.

Finn grinned sheepishly and looked down at his pint. “It weren’t that big a deal; I jus’ thought Rae needed some cheerin’ up.”

“I’d say ya succeeded.” Chop picked up his drinks, nodding “cheers” to the barman. “So, can Raemundo wail on the guitar yet?”

“Not after one lesson, ya twat.” He sat down next to Rae, and Chop settled in beside Izzy. The girls had clammed up when they saw the lads coming back to the table.

* * *

“So he was ACTUALLY stood outside in the street singin’?” Izzy whispered incredulously.

“Yeah, it was embarrassin’ and amazin’ all at the same time.” Rae grinned; it was clear that she didn’t mind the embarrassment. “But probably the best part was when he gave me the guitar. I mean, I’ve always kind of wanted one, but I never told anyone. It’s like he just … knew.” She glanced at the bar to see the lads walking back. “Ey, clam up. I don’t want his head gettin’ any bigger than it already is.”

To change the subject, she turned in her seat to admire the flyers Izzy had made for the band’s gig. “Much better than those ones tryna be punk with the cut out letters. Looks almost professional!”

Chop and Finn nodded in agreement while Izzy beamed with pride.

Chop took a gulp of his lager and said, “Jus’ hope our name isn’t one of those whatdyacallits. Self-fulfillin’ thingies.”

Rae supplied the word he was searching for. “Prophecies? Yeah, I hope not, too.” The quartet shared a thoughtful silence before returning to their drinks.

* * *

On the Tuesday before their first gig, Rae was early to her session with Kester. She’d brought her guitar with her, because she was taking it everywhere with her. She didn’t want to let it out of her sight. It was a physical manifestation of how Finn felt about her that she could look at and touch. If he’d known it would have this sort of effect on her, he probably would have gotten her one the day after her mum’s reception.

When Kester came in the office, he looked surprised to see her there ahead of him. He smiled as he put down his briefcase. He then clocked the guitar case, and nodded. “New?” he asked, knowing the answer.

“Yeah. Finn got it for me.” Rae looked down, smiling at the memory.

“That was nice of him,” Kester said, realizing how lame that sounded as he finished.

Rae just nodded.

Kester gazed over at Rae, waiting for her to make eye contact. “So, last time, you expressed some fears that Finn might be, what was your phrase?”

Rae cleared her throat. “Yeah, I thought he might be going off me.” Her eyes flicked up to meet Kester’s for a second, then she rolled her eyes. “Alright! I know!”

“You know what?” Kester probably wouldn’t have admitted how much he was enjoying this.

“I know … that he likes me. It’s just sometimes hard to remember, or know why.”

Kester sighed meditatively. “Ahh. Why does anyone love anyone else? One of life’s true mysteries.”

Rae rolled her eyes and laughed.

Kester opened the window and lit a cigarette. “So, have you learned any songs yet?”

Rae leaned forward in her chair. “Well, I am learning one tune …”

* * *

Finn was waiting for her outside the hospital.

“No scooter?” she asked.

“Thought we’d walk.” Finn took the guitar case from her and slung it over his shoulder.

“It’s getting colder,” Rae admitted, rubbing her left arm with her right hand. Finn put his free arm around her and they walked slowly towards home.

Rae shook her head and smiled.

Finn smiled at her smile. “What?”

“Nothin’.”

“Come on, what is it?” Finn was hungry to know all her thoughts, especially anything that made her smile, but he knew she was wary to let him into her head. He gave her shoulder a squeeze and smiled in encouragement.

“I was jus’ thinkin’ it wasn’t that long ago that we didn’t like each other. Now look at us.”

“I never didn’t like ya, Rae. I jus’ didn’t know ya.” He smirked. “But you certainly didn’t like me much.”

“No!” she protested. “I just … it’s always been easy for me to be defensive. When you couldn’t be arsed to remember my name, when you thought I didn’t know my music … I felt like you just wrote me off. So, I made myself write you off, too.”  

Now Finn shook his head and said “Twat” under his breath.

“Oi, I’m sorry, okay? I mean, we’ve more than made it up now, haven’t we?”

“No, I was talking to myself … again. I can’t believe how much of a dick I was at first.” Finn looked over at Rae. “But, you seem to have forgiven me.”

Rae leaned her head on Finn’s shoulder. “Yeah, you’re forgiven.”

As they neared her house, Rae sighed.

“What’s up?” Finn asked.

“Jus’ thinkin’ about the gig. Maybe dreadin’ is a better word.”

“You’ll be great, Rae,” Finn stopped and turned to look her in the eye. “I’m not just sayin’ this so you’ll get on stage. I’m sayin’ it ‘cos it’s true.”

Rae looked down. She felt bad, not because she thought Finn was lying to her or exaggerating. She felt bad because she didn’t think Finn should have to spend so much time reassuring her. He should have a girl who was more confident and … easier.

“Rae.” Finn’s voice was low and even. “What are you thinkin’?”

Damn her face! She couldn’t hide a single thought. Why couldn’t she just smile and nod? Why did every fleeting emotion have to be broadcast on her face like the bloody news report?

“I just … wish it was easier. That _I_ was easier. For you. You shouldn’t have to work so hard.” She sighed and started to turn away. “And I will  _always_  be hard work.”

Finn held her shoulders. He had to say something. He’d gradually been getting better with words since he’d been with Rae, because she needed words. Words of encouragement, words of reassurance, words of comfort. He’d never be as good as her with speaking, but he had to try. And then he remembered …

“My nan used to say that work isn’t hard if you love it.”

Rae looked up at him, eyes shining with a glaze of tears that threatened to spill. “I wish I could have met her, Finn.”

Now his eyes stung. “Me too, Rae.” He hugged her, and her arms got tangled trying to hug him back, maneuvering around the guitar case on Finn’s back. They both laughed, and Rae shivered. “It’s fuckin’ freezin’ out here. Why are we walking so slow?” Finn grabbed her hand and they hurried the rest of the way.

* * *

It was their last practice before the big gig. Archie was pacing with his guitar, waiting for everyone to assemble. Chop rushed in, apologizing, still in his coverall from work. “Sorry I’m late, mate!” He knew the only person who was really worried was Archie. “Bloke turned up early to pick up his car and we had to do a rush job to finish it.” He pecked Izzy on the cheek and took his place behind the drum kit.

Chloe sauntered in a moment later, hair swinging in a hundred little layers, wearing a pink minidress and black patent leather boots.

Everyone stared at her, mouths agape, except Archie, who was too annoyed to notice much of anything. “How can ya be the last one to show up, Chloe? It’s your house!” He finally looked straight at her, and became as dumbfounded as the rest. “What. Are you wearing?” he asked.

“I thought you said it was a dress rehearsal? I just wanted to look my best!” Chloe swung her hair again, desperately hoping someone would comment on her new haircut.

“I meant … it’s just an expression. Like, not a DRESS rehearsal, just a final run through of the set. In order.” Archie shook his head.

Chloe looked sheepish. “Well, I didn’t know, did I? Should I change?”

Everyone said NO in unison. “Let’s jus’ get started,” Archie sighed.

Apart from Chop’s meltdown trying to figure out what he’d done for a drumline on Sad Song the last time, the practice was a success.

“Alright, everyone! I think we’re as ready as we’re gonna be,” Archie said, with more conviction than he’d started the rehearsal. “Oh, and! I nearly forgot! The venue’s changed from the pub to The Basement. Apparently, the number of interested parties has crept up a bit and since Dave’s brother-in-law owns The Basement, they decided to go for a little more capacity.”

Rae’s eyes widened. The Basement had an actual stage. It was shit, just some particle board painted black, but it wasn’t just a corner like at The Swan. And it definitely had room for more people. Great. More witnesses to her inevitable downfall.

Finn leaned over and whispered, “Jus’ remember: you’re not the only one shittin’ yourself.”

She couldn’t help but smile at that. It was true. They were all in this together. After months and years of feeling alone, she sometimes needed to be reminded.

* * *

It was here. Sound check consisted of turning on the mics and amps and listening for crackles. The bloke behind the soundboard had a sandwich in one hand and cigarette in the other. “Sounds good!” he mumbled through a bite of food.

Archie pushed up his glasses and turned around to talk to Finn and Chloe. “We’ve got to be careful about feedback.” He looked at Rae and said, “Rae, your mic is closest to the front, so you need to watch it, too. Try not to move around too much, or lean the mic way forward.” Rae nodded, and kept nodding after Archie stopped talking to her. She felt herself slip into a daze.

It was real, it was here. This was not a drill, or a dream. This was happening. She rushed to the edge of the stage and leaned over to take a deep breath. She started counting to ten in her head. Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten. Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten. Onetwothreefour–

She was interrupted by Finn hissing at her, “Rae! What’s the matter? What’s goin’ on?” She looked into his eyes, and she couldn’t tell if he was worried or angry, or both.

“I–I really don’t want to let anyone down, but I am fuckin’ brickin’ it. Everyone’s gonna hate me and tell me to get off the stage, I just know it.” She tried to breathe deeper and stop herself from hyperventilating.

Finn grabbed Rae by the hand and dragged her backstage. He sat her down on a broken amp and put a hand on each of her shoulders, looking her right in the eye. “Rae,” he began in a low steady voice.

“Yeh?” she replied.

“You are a bloody great singer. I would tell ya that even if I wasn’t your boyfriend. Anyone who dares to say that you aren’t is a lyin’ bastard and I’ll strangle ‘em with my guitar strings. Alrigh’?” He gave her shoulders a gentle shove. She looked away. “I said, alrigh’?”

“Alrigh’,” she replied glumly.

“Clearly it’s not.” He sighed. “Listen, we’re due on stage in twenty minutes. Nearly ev’ry song we’ve rehearsed is for your voice, Rae. Archie can’t sing Garbage; he’ll be laughed out of the county.”

Rae chuckled in spite of herself.

“I mean, if you think you’re worried … it’s nothin’ compared to how much Archie’ll be shittin’ himself if ya don’t sing.”

“I s’pose you’re right,” she conceded.

Finn looked around and said, “Wait here a minute.”

She looked confused as he walked back to the stage door, opened it and stuck his head into the pub for a second. She heard him murmur something to someone, probably Archie or Chop. He then shut the door and came back, taking her by the hand. “Okay, now we’ve got eighteen minutes. I think I know a way to calm you down and clear your head.” He led her to the small office behind the makeshift green room furnished with charity shop sofas.

He opened the door and pulled her inside the tiny room lined with stainless steel shelves. He sat her down on the desk. “What are you–?” Rae started to ask, but then she saw the lustful look in Finn’s eye and realized what was happening. “Finn!” she hissed. “We can’t!”

He fixed her in his gaze and leaned in to kiss her. His hands slid over her breasts and shoulders and into her hair. When they broke apart, he smiled. “Sure we can.”

Turning around to lock the door took less than a second, as there really wasn’t much room to maneuver. When he swiveled back to face her, she was already breathing shallowly. “Finn …” she said, her voice shaking.

He grabbed her knees and pulled them apart, stepping between them and wrapping his arms around her in one swift motion. “Rae,” he said calmly. “I’ve seen you after we do this, and you’re always more relaxed. Jus’ thought we could take your mind off the show for a few minutes …” He leaned in and gently bit her lower lip before pressing his lips onto hers and pressing his tongue into her mouth. He continued to kiss her insistently as he eased his hands down either side of her body. When he felt the texture of the fabric change, he grasped the hem of her dress and pushed it up her thighs.

She slid her hands down the front of his chest and when they touched the metal of his belt buckle, she blindly fumbled it open, moving then to unbutton his jeans and unzip his fly. She snuck her fingers under the hem of his shirt to feel his firm skin. Though she was consumed with lust, she was also mindful that they didn’t have long, so she dispensed with removing his shirt and instead tugged his jeans and boxers down in one yank. He had been busy removing her leggings and knickers, but grabbed his jeans before they hit the floor. She looked at him quizzically, and he brought his hand back up, holding his wallet.  _Oh right_ , she thought. She was really glad he remembered these things.

He handed her the condom and she gingerly ripped it open with one hand and her teeth. Her other hand was busy, as both she and Finn had started to stroke each other in rhythm. She slid the condom on firmly using both hands. Their lips broke apart and she stared into his eyes. He kept his gaze on hers as he reached behind her to guide her even closer to the edge of the desk. She swung her right leg onto the swivel chair and her left onto a stack of file boxes. Her arms wrapped around his waist as he slowly entered her. His head involuntarily snapped back when he was fully inside her and he let out a low moan. She closed her eyes and with each thrust she could see a shower of stars burst inside her eyelids. Finn buried his face in her neck and squeezed her tight as he bucked faster. Her hips drove themselves back and forth of their own accord, and she was only vaguely aware of the fact that she was groaning a note higher with every heave.

Finn whispered in her ear, “Rae–I can’t–I’m gonna go–” He arched back and moaned her name again.

She grinned and said, “That’s okay, I–” She couldn’t finish her sentence because waves of sensation crashed over her lower half. A guttural cry escaped her lips, rising in pitch.

Finn wrapped his arms around Rae, squeezing her as close as he could. Her arms were trapped under his grip, but she threaded her forearms around his waist to return the embrace, shuddering one last time.

“God, I love you,” he breathed into her hair.

She hummed in satisfaction and said, “I love you, too” against the skin of his neck.

He pulled himself away from her and turned away to remove the condom. She yanked her knickers and leggings up in one motion.

Finn looked over his shoulder. “Rae? Is there some paper or something over there?”

“Huh?” she asked, smoothing her hair and adjusting the clip that held the top half back.

“I just don’ want to leave this on top o’ the rubbish,” he said, chagrined.

“Oh, yeah! Lemme see …” she grabbed a couple of old flyers from a pile next to her on the desk and handed them to Finn.

“Thanks,” he said gratefully. He then pulled up his pants, tucked in his shirt, and did his belt buckle. “How do I look?” he asked, smoothing his hair forward with the fingers of his left hand.

“How do YOU look?” Rae asked incredulously. “Gorgeous, as usual. The more important question is, how do I look, after all that?” She hopped off the desk, bumping Finn’s hip in the exercise. She started to smooth the front of her dress when Finn gently took her chin between his hands and guided her face to his for a lingering kiss.

He released her and shuffled back a half step to give her the once over. Her hair was slightly tousled and her cheeks were faintly flushed. Her eyes were both dark and bright, and her lips were a deep pink. “You look fantastic. Freshly fucked is the best way to look for your first gig.”

Her eyes widened, a little shocked by his description, but then she smiled.

“Feelin’ relaxed?” he said, amused.

“You know what? I am!”

Finn glanced at his wristwatch. “Oh, bollocks. Less than five minutes to go.” He looked up at Rae and saw her eyes start to widen. “But don’t worry! You’ll be great!”

She took a deep breath. “Okay. I hope so. Let’s do this.”

Finn unlocked the door and let Rae go ahead. He glanced back at the desk and shrugged. He figured it wasn’t the first or last time it would be used for such purposes.

When they were both in the backstage area, the rest of the gang were all there, lounging on the mismatched furniture. Archie looked up at them and said, “You two ready? We heard you … um … warmin’ up in there.”

Finn and Rae both froze and then exchanged a look. Rae found her voice first and said, “Yeah, I was doin’ some … vocal exercises.”

Chop raised an eyebrow and said, “And what were YOU exercisin’, Finny boy?”

Finn grinned and said, “Oh, same. I am backin’ vocals, after all.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, and then the whole gang burst out laughing. Any tension they might have felt about their first performance dissolved like they did, into giggles.

Through the door to the stage, they could hear the host take the mic and begin to introduce them. “The Basement is proud to present, in their debut performance, Zero for Starters! Come on, everyone, welcome them to the stage!”

Chop grabbed his drumsticks and pounded them together. “Alright, let’s DO this!” Everyone cheered, grabbed their instruments, and headed to the door.

* * *

Chop checked his kit was put together one last time. He didn’t want a repeat of what happened at their first practice to happen on stage.

Archie looked over his shoulder and nodded for Chop to count them off. Chop raised his arms into the beam of the cheap spotlight and pounded his sticks together in rhythm. Rae began to sing, since they decided to open with  _I’m Only Happy When It Rains_. It was the song they knew the best, and it was a strong choice. Rae swayed with the music and closed her eyes, trying not to think of the curiously full pub. Where had everyone come from in the last half hour?

When the song finished, there was applause, and not just a smattering. Rae looked over at Finn, smiling. She had just turned back to the mic to introduce the second song, when a deep voice from the back of the pub shouted:

“Oi! Get off the stage, you fat cow!”

Another voice, more strident, chimed in:

“Yeah, Shirley Manson you ain’t! She’s scary an’ all, but at least she’s hot!”

Rae closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. It was as if the universe had gotten hold of the list of her worst fears and decided to start at the top. Before she knew what was happening, Finn yanked his guitar over his head and strode over to grab Archie’s mic. “Come up here and say that. You’d better shut your fuckin’ mouth, or I’ll shut it for you!”

There was a long second of silence. Before Rae could stop herself, she said the first thing that came to mind. “Yeah, mate, and while you’re shuttin’ your mouth, try shuttin’ your eyes, as well. Then, maybe everyone can enjoy the show, even you!”

The crowd laughed. The two blokes who had been shouting at Rae were herded towards the door by one of the bartenders and Big G, and everyone else applauded as they were escorted out.

“Alright, now that we’ve got rid of the Chuckle Brothers, let’s get back to it!” Rae counted off the next song,  _The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get_ , and the combination of adrenaline in her veins and the irony of the lyrics helped her kill it.

Before they knew it, they had run through their entire catalog of songs. Archie was sure they would have enough material, but the other band on the bill had broken up the day before, so there was time to fill. They were so eager to play everything, they hadn’t thought to keep a song back for an encore. Because who would have figured they’d need one?

Archie leaned into his mic and said, “Thanks, you’ve been a great crowd!”

The band got a long round of applause and cheers. Everyone on stage grinned, drunk with the experience. They started to unplug their instruments and pack up, when someone started shouting “One more! One more!” Soon, half the bar joined in. “One more! One more!”

They didn’t have one more. Archie had already played his  _Return of the Mack_ , and Finn and Rae had done  _This Must Be the Place_. They were tapped out.

As they got to the backstage door, the club manager met them, grinning. “Great set, you guys, but you’d better get back out there for an encore, or they’ll start climbin’ the walls.”

Everyone exchanged worried glances. Then, Finn’s eyebrows shot up. He leaned over to whisper to Rae. She shook her head vehemently. “No way!” she shouted.

“What? What’s the matter?” Izzy wondered aloud.

Finn looked up through his fringe. “Well, Rae and me have been practicin’ a little number you all know.”

“No, Finn. I’m not ready.” Rae crossed her arms and shook her head.

“Rae, you just sang in front of strangers for nearly an hour … how will this be harder?” Finn looked at her pleadingly. The crowd was getting louder.

“It’s just–” she couldn’t say. It should be that singing made her feel more vulnerable, but playing the guitar, something she was so new to, it just made her wince to think of messing up in front of everyone … and on their encore!

Finn gently wrapped his hands around Rae’s forearms. “Listen. I’ll be playin’ with ya, anytime ya feel ya don’t know it, just stop playin’. But don’t stop singin’.” With this, he grinned at Rae, nodding. “Okay?”

She sighed. “Okay.”

The manager shooed them back onstage. Archie looked at Finn, wild-eyed with worry. “Mate? What are we doin’?”

Finn looked him in the eye for a split second, then started playing a familiar opening riff. Archie smiled; he knew this one, and started playing along. Rae worked to keep up, but when she saw Finn gesture to the mic, she stopped strumming and started singing.

“To-day is gonna be the day–”

The crowd’s applause drowned out the next part of the line. After “I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now,” Rae shouted, “Join in if you know it!”

Soon enough, everyone was singing along.


End file.
